Merry Christmas from Heaven

Two of my angels stopped by today. They were with me within hours of discovering Bennett and did many things behind the scenes to keep my family afloat while we navigated the treacherous road of grief.

One of my Angels - an Angel Mother herself - shared this poem with me. She said that she reads it every Holiday Season to remind her how much her son is still involved in their lives.



MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM HEAVEN

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on cold wintry nights.

I still share your hopes
and all your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say all your prayers.

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all the crowd.

Keep trying each moment
to stay in His grace
I came here before you
to help set your place.

You don't have to be
perfect all the time
He forgives you the slip
if you continue to climb.

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
in a new special way.

I love you all dearly
now don't shed a tear
cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year.


Merry Christmas, Sweet Bennett. Enjoy your White Christmas in Heaven. xoxoxoxo

How God Works

It was June 2010. We had scrimped and pinched and had finally invested in a quality camera. The problem? It wasn't working. Every image was coming out blurry.

And so I called a friend.

Many of you know of this woman as the face and talent of the enormously popular The Idea Room. She is indeed as gifted as you think. But she is also very generous of heart and spirit.

I called her, explained my camera malfunctions and she kindly invited me to come over so we could figure out what was wrong.

After getting the girls off to school the following morning, I scooped up my boys in my arms - still sporting their "bed heads" - and headed over to Amy's house.

After fiddling with my camera for a few minutes, we found that the issue was a simple button that I had to switch on my lens. An easy fix. Lucky me.

And then she started clicking.

I can't remember what the purpose was. Maybe we were confirming the "fix" or maybe she felt guided to shoot. Who knows. But what I DO know is that - unexpectedly that morning - our visit turned into a mini photo shoot of Bennett and Mommy.

This is especially unique because I - like many mommies - take all the pictures in our family. I'm AT all the events but you'd never know it looking at the pictures! I'm always behind the camera.

So now, over a year later, I have all these precious pictures to gaze at thanks to a generous friend and a Tender Father in Heaven. A God who KNEW what was coming and KNEW what this Mother Heart would need in the days, months and years ahead.

What a Tender Mercy.

Just how God works.

Calling Out to All You Angels

Have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men.
For behold, they are subject unto him, to minister according to the word of his command, showing themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind. (Moroni 7:29-30)

Jared from camille garrison on Vimeo.

Last week,a tender 27 year old father unexpectedly passed away in his sleep, leaving behind a small daughter and a beautiful wife who is ready to have their second babe in January.

My heart aches for them. Just. Aches.

Heaven knows, we know a thing or two about "unexpected circumstances." Thus this blog documenting our journey. But we also have learned of the miracles that can take place when Angels bless us. From Heaven and Earth.

Does your family participate in service projects around Christmas time? Do you want to be an Angel this Christmas?

A fund has been set up to assist this young family in this heartbreaking situation. If you can find it in your heart and pocketbook to donate whatever you can, I'm sure it would ease this sweet young Mother's load.

To read their story and donate, click here.

Merry Christmas, friends. Merry Christmas.

No. Dang. Way.

I would like to dedicate my blogging absence to my lousy internet provider who made it possible for me to not have service for the last 8 days. It's amazing how underwhelming crappy service can be.

But I'm over it.

(Obviously.)

Anyhoo, this news more than makes up for that less-than-inspiring comment.

Guess what my dear friend shared with me this morning? These pictures. Aren't they absolutely amazing? For those that know me and one of my favorite books, this picture of a little boy with a dandelion is more than perfect. It is divine. Divine because every time I see a dandelion now, I think of my Sunshine Boy. I think of all the wonderful things we shared together and all the things I have to look forward to. And I consider who might be babysitting him while his Mommy and Daddy finish their business on Earth. And somehow, I wouldn't be surprised if a scene like this is happening. Even at this very minute.

So this is what I'm saving for. When we move into our new home in the waning moments of winter, I am going to survey the scene and find the perfect place for these pictures. And - when I find it - I'll buy the perfectly sized pictures for the space and every time I look at them, I'll remember God's eternal promises to Me, My Family and our Sweet Little Boy. Priceless.

And - for those who want to join in the celebration - I must mention . . . we will be digging the hole for our home soon. Like, in days. HELLO!!! Miracles never cease. (now just pray that we survive the winter in our "cave" without killing each other . . . AHHHHH!!!!)

Today I am grateful for Internet service (glory, glory hallelujah!), a little girl that didn't break her arm . . . again (loooong story), for house construction, and for tender mercies that come in the form of messages from friends and perfectly illustrated pictures that whisper of eternal truths.

God is good. And all Goodness comes from God.

How I love Him.

Accountability

So I have this sister-in-law. Actually, I have five, but today I'm talking about this one. Her name is Haley.

Isn't she lovely?

She has a charming blog that some of you may already follow. It is all things virtuous, lovely, of good report and praiseworthy.

Really. It is.

She is so upbeat, positive, kind and nurturing. She has been a lovely addition to our crazy family.

In July, she wrote a post noting her desire to work on her physical and spiritual health. To be held accountable, she would write what she had done for her body and spirit at the end of every blog post. Because - as we've learned - they ARE Inseparably Connected. I loved the idea! I thought it was brilliant.

So I am going to follow suit and do it myself.

I need to be held accountable. I need feast on the word of God more often. I need to feel the sunshine on my face and experience the magic of my body tingling with endorphins.

I just need to be better.

And You, my friends, will help me do so.

So thank you. Thank you for your help.

Nourish your soul and have a good day.

Physical Health:

Go on a long walk with Ashton to pick up the girls (unless it rains)

Spiritual Health:

Watch an inspirational message by Quentin L. Cook (The Songs They Could Not Sing). Love it.

My To Do List

As of last night, I am the proud owner of a Home Management Binder. It holds ALL - and I mean ALL - of the info our family needs. I. LOVE. IT. With so much going on in our family right now, I can't leave it to this brain to remember everything. This binder will be my salvation.

As I am looking at my "To Do" list for today, this weekend, this month and this year, I am reminded how ordinary and how extraordinary our situation is. Along with "buy metronome and theory books for Grace" is a jotted note to start Bennett's life history. And this for a boy that only lived a mere 19 3/4 months on this earth. I have the goal of completing it before his "Angel Day" in January. In preparing to start this process, I think I know how sweet, tender, difficult and healing it will be. I just pray that my meager words can do this little man justice. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I'll have to include as many as I can.

As my thoughts have been turned to this new project, I have been reminded of the fragility of life. How Life can change in a split second. Since Bennett's death, it seems like I hear of deaths around every corner that are somehow connected to me or people I hold dear. And - as a new member of The Poignant Loss Club - I feel a responsibility to pay it forward. Whether it be through loving words, shared tears, a heartfelt gift, a written note or a quiet act of kindness, I know firsthand what a difference those things make. We have received over a thousand letters since Bennett's loss and I have kept every one. When I am feeling weak or incapable of dealing with this heartache, I return to the words of others that believe in me, are praying for me and who grieve with me over the loss of my son. Now it is my turn - even while I'm neck deep in Grief - to Pay It Forward. And, in doing so, I believe that I will find companions in Healing and Purpose. How much I need them.

While thinking about the relationships that really mean the most to me in this life, I came across this video on YouTube. Perhaps some of you became acquainted with Chris Medina on American Idol (I personally have not followed the show since Clay Aiken). Medina's story is one of Enduring Love and Heartfelt Compassion following a car accident that tragically disabled his fiance just two months before their marriage. He is now caring for her along with her Mother and trying to find the help his fiance needs to make a full recovery. His is a loyalty rarely seen in this world. What a noble man. And what a blessed woman.



And if you feel like "Paying It Forward", click here to donate to the foundation to aid Julianna's recovery. I did.

Prayers for Peace, Strength and Healing, Julianna and Chris . . .

Straight Up

Have you noticed I haven't been posting as frequently? Well, I feel like I'm currently stuck between a rock and a hard spot. And - since I pride myself on being open and honest on this blog - let me share where I'm at.

I'm already feeling like many expect me to move on. Heck, it's been seven months! Get over it already! ;0) Uh, wrong. I am still experiencing "firsts" around every turn. It's a big adjustment. And a heartbreaking one at that. Sometimes I still can't believe this has happened to us.

And yet, I feel Hope. Our family is optimistic about our future and we laugh and play and cuddle. A lot. It seems that our knowledge of the fragility of life has made us appreciate each other even more. Heaven seems closer because it is. And we feel firmly resolved to do whatever it takes to be with our Sweet Bennett again. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

So I feel torn between these feelings I have. My Grief and Loss are juxtaposed against my Gratitude, Hope, Faith and Joy. And - oft times - I don't know if I have the ability to communicate the feelings of my heart adequately. I want Sunshine Promises to be a place of Faith, Hope, and Light - and yet - Reality. I have never been one to sugarcoat things. But I don't want to be perceived as "dwelling" on our loss either. Is that as clear as mud?

But I won't be what I am not. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be real at all times. I wouldn't write for readers or for comments (though I love both ;0). I would simply try to put into words the state of my heart. Sometimes I feel that has happened while at other times, I have felt that I have fallen abysmally short. But I have kept writing. And I hope the Great Inspiration for this blog gives me props for that.

And so bear with me, friends. I am not prolific. I am just an ordinary person doing a really hard thing. Perhaps you can relate. And I will keep telling our story so that perhaps - maybe years from now - when my remaining babes go through their "hard things", they will be able to read back on the tender thoughts and feelings of their not-so-perfect mother who tried her darnedest to BE and LIVE what she BELIEVED. Even when her heart was breaking. And if - in that moment - what I write is of ANY value to them, I have succeeded.

And so I will keep writing.

Pinterest Interests

Have you heard of Pinterest? If not, let me know and I'll send you an invite. It is potentially the greatest website every invented. I have gathered so many ideas for home, family, organization, family activities and inspiration on the site. It really has become my personal library. I love it.

When perusing the site today, I found two things that I just love. How great is this quote by C.S. Lewis? I have always been an ardent admirer of Mr. Lewis ("Shadowlands" means something completely different now) but as I have grown through my Pain, his words have meant more than ever. I love them.

I also found another print that completely describes our family and our home. Isn't it great? And how crazy is the last line (FIVE PEOPLE DO)!?! LOVE IT.

And yes, I purchased it.

Just thought I'd share some of my favorite inspirational Pinterest finds with you. Have a great weekend!

Meltdown

Tonight was an interesting night. The evening was spent taking a family excursion to Costco to purchase David's Father's Day presents. Then home to put away the loot and enjoy one of Daddy's surprises (Vitamix 5200 Blender . . . LOVE IT.). Fresh orange sorbet . . . it. was. divine.

So, after putting away groceries and finishing our refreshing treat, we headed up to bed. All was going well until Gracelyn came into our room, suddenly breaking into a torrent of tears.

"Mom, (sob) I (sob) really miss Bennett (sob) tonight," as she fell onto the bed in my arms.

What? Where did THIS come from?

But I know better. I am learning myself that the reality of it all hits you at moments when you least expect it. So often, you don't even see it coming! Tonight, it was our night time routine that reminded Grace of the gaping hole in our family. After the kids would get in bed, Bennett (if still awake) would make his rounds to each of his siblings, taking turns cuddling with each one of his beloved sisters and brother. They adored him and he knew it. And they could feel his love for them in return. It was a beautiful little tradition they shared and one that made for a tender remembrance tonight.

"I wish Heavenly Father would have taken me," Gracelyn whispered as I held her. "Bennett was the best thing that ever happened in my life. My heart hurts so much."

As Gracie lay in my arms sobbing, her arms wrapped tightly around my neck, I quietly said a prayer to my Father, asking Him what I could do to help this little girl's broken heart. It was then that the impression came. Pray for her. Okay. I do that all the time. Pray with her. Well, I can do that, so I asked her if I could offer a prayer. She feebly nodded her head.

There I was, late at night, with my little girl melting down in my arms, praying to the Heavens in my daughter's behalf. I summoned the Spirit to come and comfort her and - if possible - to let Bennett speak peace to his big sister's heart. I asked that she would be able to feel the loving arms of her Heavenly Father enfold her as her heart was hurting and that she would feel that He was aware of her and that He loved her. And then I closed the prayer, thanking the Lord for all our children, both here and in heaven.

I felt peace. I felt comfort. But the sobs continued.

As the tears and the accompanying body convulsions continued to increase, I knew my faith and prayers alone might not be enough, so I called in the "big guns." David - my sweetheart - is a man of purity and virtue and has the faith to move mountains. I believe the Lord pays special attention to his pleas because of the man he is in public and in private. It was time to cash in his brownie points. We needed all the help we could get.

So David took a sabbatical from Ashton's storytelling time to come and share a special prayer with Gracie. In our faith, we refer to it as a Father's Blessing. As I held her, David stood above her, put his hands on her head and began to plead to the Lord in her behalf. He blessed her with peace, comfort and the reassurance that she would see her brother again. He reminded her of the promise of forever families and how those relationships continue beyond death. And then he expressed his love and the love of her Heavenly Father for her. And then he solemnly and humbly closed the prayer.

Something happened after that. It wasn't sudden, but it occurred gradually. Bit by bit, Grace's body began to let go of the tension that accompanies deep emotional pain. The tears slowed, her breathing began to regulate and her grip loosened on my neck. "Can I sleep in your room?" came the request. I consented and we tiptoed into the room to "make her bed."

Now she lays by my side, cuddling my arm, tired, calm and collected. Did she just wear herself out? Maybe. But I think it was also something much greater than that. I believe that tonight - a night that was average in nearly every sense - the Heavens opened and sent us down a blessing that was a tender mercy for Grace and her parents. A Loving Father and Savior made possible a miracle that Mommy could not fix. No band aid or neosporin could take care of this owie. This was not going away (anytime soon, that is). But He knew her heart and knew just what to do to "make it feel better."

And mend it, He did.

Did Bennett come back? Is our heartache gone? Is everything "back to normal"? Hardly. But the Lord is aware of us. He is getting us through it.

One meltdown at a time.

Inspiration

"The truth is, those who diligently seek to learn of Christ eventually will come to know Him. They will personally receive a divine portrait of the Master, although it most often comes in the form of a puzzle—one piece at a time. Each individual piece may not be easily recognizable by itself; it may not be clear how it relates to the whole. Each piece helps us to see the big picture a little more clearly. Eventually, after enough pieces have been put together, we recognize the grand beauty of it all. Then, looking back on our experience, we see that the Savior had indeed come to be with us—not all at once but quietly, gently, almost unnoticed.

This can be our experience if we move forward with faith and do not wait too long on the road to Damascus.

I testify to you that our Father in Heaven loves His children. He loves us. He loves you. When necessary the Lord will even carry you over obstacles as you seek His peace with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Often He speaks to us in ways that we can hear only with our heart. To better hear His voice, it would be wise to turn down the volume control of the worldly noise in our lives. If we ignore or block out the promptings of the Spirit for whatever reason, they become less noticeable until we cannot hear them at all. Let us learn to hearken to the promptings of the Spirit and then be eager to heed them."

(Dieter F. Uchtdorf)

My husband shared this quote with me this morning at breakfast and it rang true to my soul. I add my witness to all this statement proclaims. God loves us, we are not alone and it is in - not in spite of - our weakness that we can truly come to know Him. I know that because I have lived it and rely on Him for strength, direction and comfort daily as we cope with the loss of our Sweet Bennett.

I AM receiving a portrait of My Savior. One puzzle piece at a time.

My Heart's Prayer

Remember this post? Well, last night I had the blessed opportunity of going to Les Miserables with my dear cousin and her husband. While I've always had my favorite characters, scenes and songs from Les Mis, the production hit me differently this time. New themes stood out to me, I saw the characters through fresh eyes and my heart ached for those who had experienced significant loss. The play was not the same. And neither was I.

Two songs struck me in particular. The song "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" spoke intimately to me of a man experiencing profound grief. The raw lyrics, rise and fall of the melody and dynamics all tell the story of the wide spectrum of emotions one can feel after experiencing loss. I know those feelings. They have been my own and those words have been the sentiments of my heart. Grief changes us. And - after experiencing it - we are never the same again.

I also loved the final reprise of "Bring Him Home" that Jean Valjean sings in his final moments of life. The words are unfamiliar to most because they are not on the Broadway albums (at least the ones I have). They are powerful and speak the feelings of my heart. Maybe I'll have them engraved on my memorial ;0)

God on high,

Hear my prayer.

Take me now

To Thy care,

Where You are.

Let me be,

Take me now.

Take me there,

Bring me Home,

Bring me Home.

While taking in the poignant message the talented cast conveyed last night, my heart swelled with gratitude for the beauty of the Human Experience. Every one of us is uniquely individual and each of us has our own set of Life Events that alter how we see the world and what we view as reality. But every one of us at - one time or another - will experience similar feelings of Joy, Ecstasy, Loss, Disappointment, Heartache, Hope, Loneliness and Fear. But it is up to us what we create from those experiences.

I am so grateful that so many years ago Victor Hugo felt inspired to pen the story of the downtrodden man who was given a hand up that indeed changed his heart and - therefore - his life. Every time I am reminded of the journey of Jean Valjean, I am reminded of the kind of person I want to become. A person of forgiveness, charity, compassion and hope who - at the end of my life - feels confident with who I've become and meeting He who has molded me.

That is my Heart's prayer.

A Birthday Gift from Heaven

Yesterday was a hard day. A really hard day. No one ever thinks they'll be commemorating their baby's 2nd birthday in a cemetery but - hey - it is what it is. Lots of people went out of their way to make it a meaningful day for us though. From flowers to gift cards to homemade gifts to a statue of the Savior holding a little boy . . . everything just warmed our hearts and made us feel oh-so-loved. We feel so blessed.

Along with those gifts, we received an unexpected surprise. A weeks or so ago, I received the oil painting of Bennett from Elspeth Young. I was in awe at the way she captured my boy whom she has never met. It was truly a miracle.

The day I received the painting in the mail, I took it to be custom framed. I was told that the painting would not be returned for another 2-3 weeks. And so I waited.

I awoke yesterday morning feeling melancholy. I can't possibly put into words all the emotions that went through my heart yesterday morning. How I ached to hold him, to see him run across the floor and throw his tiny little arms around me. And his smile. Oh, that smile. It lit up the room! How I longed to feel the warmth of his light.

And then it happened. My phone buzzed announcing an incoming call from the framing gallery. The painting had mysteriously appeared on an earlier shipment. It was completed more than a week ahead of schedule. Was this unusual? I asked. Yes. It was indeed. This is no accident, I explained. It was my baby's birthday. This was a gift from both him and a loving Heavenly Father that knew this Mommy's heart. The framing sales associate and I wept. It was meant to be.

So miracles DO happen. They do indeed. God - at times - allows hard things to happen. Things that will break our hearts. But in the madness and heartache of it all, He sends messages reminding us that He is aware and is ever present in our lives. Yesterday, that message arrived in the form of a framed oil painting. It was perfect. Simply perfect.

Just like the Givers.

Many have expressed interest in obtaining a print of our Sweet Bennett. He has become a symbol of Hope, Love, Light and Faith to so many. To purchase a print of this fabulous painting, click here.

Eagles Wings

But they that wait upon the Lord

shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings as eagles;

they shall run, and not be weary;

and they shall walk and not faint.

(Isaiah 40:31)

Yesterday, I had a friend stop by and visit me after I had had a particularly hard morning. I was just getting off the phone with my mother - crying over the heartaches and challenges of the day - when she knocked on my door. During our visit, she shared with me a beautiful thought that I KNEW was mana from Heaven.

Just a little background: After Bennett's Life Celebration (aka funeral), we proceeded to the cemetery for his burial. Upon arriving at the beautifully appointed spot (I'm seriously in love with our burial sites . . . does that sound funny?), we got out of the limo, hearts heavy with the thought of burying our baby. But Heaven knew our hearts and sent a little gift. Actually, a flock. Right above our Bennett's grave site were 8-10 bald eagles, circling the very spot where we were preparing to bury our child. Now, I grew up in this town (as have my entire extended family) and I must tell you that I NEVER remember seeing ONE bald eagle, let alone an entire FLOCK in the entire surrounding area! But they were soaring above, circling the grave, as if to send a message that Someone above was aware of what was going on below. Aware of a Daddy, a Mommy, two sisters, a best friend and brother and an entire host of loved ones whose hearts were breaking. They soared during the prayer, they circled while we wrote love notes on hundreds of yellow balloons and then - as peacefully as they came - they silently flew away as our bright, love-filled balloons enveloped the sky. It. Was. Spectacular.

Ever since that day, my friend has been contemplating the appearance of eagles at Bennett's grave site. In her research, she found this information (based on American Indian beliefs) that she shared with me:

The Eagle represents spiritual protection, carries prayers, and brings strength, courage, wisdom, illumination of spirit, healing [and] creation. The eagle has an ability to see hidden spiritual truths, rising above the material to see the spiritual. The eagle has the ability to see the overall pattern and the connection to spirit guides and teachers. The eagle represents great power and balance, dignity with grace, a connection with higher truths, intuition and a creative spirit grace achieved through knowledge and hard work.

Isn't that just lovely? I would like to think that all those attributes and gifts are what that flock of eagles symbolized to our family. I have always been awe struck at an eagle's strength, breadth and majesty. I just never sat down to think what they may signify.

I'll tell you what that flock of bald eagles really mean to this Mama, though. It means that I have a Tender, Loving Heavenly Father that loves and holds my heart in Life's most tender moments. It means that there is no such thing as coincidences, just God leaving His signature authorizing that He is aware and active in our lives. And it means that we WILL get through (not around) this, we WILL prevail, and that He doesn't expect or want us to do it alone. He is with us - even in the details - and is watching over Bennett until we will be reunited again. THAT is what that flock of bald eagles mean to me.

And with that knowledge, I too can "mount up with wings as eagles."

Time to soar . . .

Best. Day. Ever.

Spools of Yarn and Body Slams. That's what good weekends are made of.

I know. Explain.

So, last week, I spent oodles of time preparing for Easter, trying to make it tender, comforting and meaningful despite our missing Bennett ever so much this week. I went shopping in search of just the right gifts, assembled perfectly balanced (in fun and meaning) baskets and scheduled activities all weekend that would bring a smile to all our faces. And what did my kids like most? Totally the unexpected.

It all started Saturday afternoon when - during quiet time - David and I took spools of yarn and made an obstacle course for each child, beginning at their beds. When they awoke, one at a time, each child went in search for their Easter basket, following their designated yarn as a guide. They loved the hunting and finding and were thoroughly thrilled upon finding their treasures. What surprised me was that they thought the spool of yarn was part of the gift and it quickly became their most prized possession. Soon Emma and Grace were creating Rapunzel wigs with their yarn and - standing on our grand staircase - calling out to their father to come and rescue them (maybe they've watched Tangled one too many times). Then Ashton tied the yarn to his monster trucks and started towing yarn remnants around the house like a tow truck. The creativity continued the following day when the girls decided to tuck their spools of yarn into their scripture bags and take it to church. In the middle of sacrament meeting, out came the yarn and the jewelry making began. In an hour, every one of us had multiple bracelets, rings and necklaces made of knotted yarn. They were so proud of their creations.

The Body Slamming Event began Saturday evening. After a day full of fun, we ended the evening with the kids eating some of their Easter candy while we watched a family flick. Out of no where, spontaneous body slamming began. First Ashton. Then Grace. And finally Emma. David and I were - of course - on the bottom, taking the brunt of every slam while the kids were giggling, whooping and hollering for more. As Gracelyn was jumping at the bottom of our bed, prepping for her next slam, she shouted, "THIS IS THE BEST. DAY. EVER!!!!"

It returned for a repeat performance Sunday evening. And - unfortunately for Mom and Dad - I don't see it going away soon.

Now isn't this interesting. I had spent all this time working out the details only to find that the most memorable and enjoyable activities were the ones that occurred unplanned and spontaneously. Isn't that Life, though? They say Life occurs when you've made other plans. Perhaps memories are like that, as well.

I need to live more in the moment, appreciating the littlest of things, and not be so distracted and focused on the grand ones. Because - more often than not - they really don't matter. And they are not what we remember most.

So here's to a new day. A day full of surprises, challenges, laughter and rewards just waiting to be discovered. And here's to making it the Best. Day. Ever.

Time For Me

Well, I hope you are enjoying “Father Feature.” It is interesting to think about what I might share and to put thoughts and feelings in writing knowing that anyone in the world might read them. Today I thought I would share something very personal in the hopes that it might help someone learn from my experience in a way that might make an immediate difference in actions that will occur today, tomorrow, and forever. This experience has done that for me and continues to remind me each day of ways that I can change.

The night of January 21, 2011 seemed like any other night for our family. I had been playing with the kids earlier and Bennett was taken to bed by mom. Later it was my turn and I did my usual routine that involved getting Ashton settled. This night he needed a diaper change. I did it in his bedroom on his bed because it was convenient. I tried really hard not to disturb Bennett. He was sleeping in his crib in the same room. I had been working on a presentation I was scheduled to give the following Sunday. I had been collecting notes and I was anxious to get back to it. Well, I finished changing Ashton and I was not successful at leaving Bennett undisturbed. Ashton wasn’t exactly quiet and Bennett sat up and looked over at us in a half sleep half awake mode as I tried to get Ashton to fall asleep. It only lasted a few seconds and I remember thinking, “Please go back to sleep Bennett.” He lay back down and did just what I had hoped for and I stayed with Ashton for a few more minutes to make sure he was sound asleep before returning to my bed. I don’t really remember anything that occurred after that that night.

How I wish I could change that night. I will forever remember looking over at Bennett that night hoping that I would be able to return to my bed quickly instead of having to pick up Bennett to put him back to sleep. I should have seen and acted upon a moment that I cannot take back in a very different way. If I would have gone over and picked him up or even just shifted him a little to make him more comfortable I would have had some final moments that I would have treasured. Instead I have a regret. It isn’t a small regret. The crib where he slept is now in storage and I will not be laying him down after holding him tight for a very, very long time.

Silently (or maybe not so silently) we may think, if only I had more “time for me.” I thought that was what I needed that night. The interesting thing is that more “time for me” doesn’t exactly have the same meaning as it did before. The best “time for me” is time that I spend dedicated to loved ones. Most particularly I speak of my wife and children. A hug, an act of service, a note written, a kind word spoken, a mealtime, special event, and so forth. I wish I could have more “time for me” with Bennett. I missed some of that in the last moments of his life. The next time I held him, he was lifeless. I am trying to remember each and every moment the “time for me” lesson. I don’t ever want to create a regret like this again. I want to give time where its effects will be most valuable and where the impact will be the most lasting.

I promised that I would share something very personal in the hopes that it might help someone learn from my experience in a way that might make an immediate difference in actions that will occur today, tomorrow and forever. There is a series of commercial spots that I really like. You may have seen them. I think they emphasize a small part of what I am trying to say. This is one that I can relate to (click here). Take some time to view a few, have a laugh and consider what “time for me” means to you.

Healing Children's Books

One of my favorite gifts to receive is the gift of literature. After Bennett's death, we received many books. Some of my favorites were children's books. We have read them over and over and over again and they have brought my children so much comfort.

Here are a few suggested reads to share with your family or to give someone dealing with loss:

Some of our favorites

A Promise Is A Promise - Knister (I can't say enough about this book. Just buy it. You won't regret it.)
I'll Love you Forever (with the changed words "forever and always my baby you'll be") - Munsch

Tear Soup - Schweibert

My Next Books To Purchase
Always My Brother - Reagan

Lifetimes - Mellonie

Waterbugs and Dragonflies - Stickney
When Dinosaurs Die - Brown
Gentle Willow - Mills

I Miss You - Thomas

Today I Feel Silly - Curtis

Tell Me Papa - Johnson
If Nathan Were Here - Bahr/Jerome

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf - Buscaglia

A Terrible Thing Happened - Holmes

The Next Place - Hanson

C.S. Lewis once said that "we read to know we are not alone." I wholeheartedly agree.

And so do my children.

So find a soft blanket, cuddle up and read away.

Happy Reading!

*If you have any additional suggestions for books that aid in healing, please share. No one knows everything but all of us know something. And together, we know a lot.

The Take Away

Good Monday, my friends. It just feels like a Monday, doesn't it? All overcast, dreary and rainy. Oh well. I guess I'll have to thrive on the energy and light from last weekend.

The Power of Moms Retreat in Park City was amazing. Saturday especially. I was able to share our story of Grief, Healing and Hope and what we have learned from this experience (not even three months down the road). Just between us friends, I was more emotional than I wanted to be during my presentation. From the moment I held up Bennett's picture, I was a goner. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. But I was authentic. Entirely so (that's what I keep telling myself). And they saw my heart, as broken as it is. But I hope they also felt my Love, Hope and Faith. That was my goal, at least.

Some of my favorite take aways were:

• I love the Indian greeting Namaste (pronounced Nomis Day) meaning "I see the divine power in you". What a beautiful, profound greeting and recognition that we are ALL God's children.
  
• Serendipity - the state of mind whereby a person through Awareness and Sensitivity frequently finds something better than that which he was seeking . . . that's where I want to be.


• 3 things that help you be a deliberate mother: 1) spend 30 minutes every Sunday for personal planning 2) take a day away ALONE to plan, dream and rejuvenate 3)Be with other like minded mothers


• Lead a Life with Margins (read Restoring Margins to Overloaded Lives by Richard Swenson)


• Once a month, go out to dinner with David and have a Five Facet Review of all our children discussing their Physical, Mental, Emotional, Social and Spiritual well being.


• Write down our Family Laws (must be short, sweet and to the point)


• Create a Family Motto


• Teach Children Financial Responsibility - Give 10% to God, Save 20% in Bank and Live on the remaining 70% . . . a good lesson for us ALL!!!


• Make a Tradition Scrapbook listing our traditions for every month of the year and MAKE THEM HAPPEN! Memories matter and are one of the only things that last forever.


• Favorite new quote - "There is no comfort in the growth zone and there is no growth in the comfort zone." How true is THAT!?!


• Another great quote - "Spectacular achievement is always preceded by unspectacular preparation." Need I say more?


• Create a Vision Board with what you want to do and who you want to become (kinda sounds like The Secret, doesn't it?)


• Make SMART Goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timebound


• Be Deliberate vs. Routine, Present vs. Distracted and Thriving vs. Surviving

It really was THAT wonderful. After last week (okay, the last THREE months . . . who are we kidding?!?), I really needed to fill my well. And I did. It gave me just the fire I needed in my bones to come home and live deliberately and serendipitously.

Life is a Gift. Everyday. Now it's up to me to make it worthwhile and really make a difference in Myself, My family, My community and the world. It can happen. And I will make it so.

If you have built castles in the air, they need not be lost. Now just put foundations under them. (Thoreau)

Time to Refuel

After a very emotionally draining week, I am SO in need of some refueling. And - as luck would have it - it just happens to be the weekend of The Power of Moms Retreat in picturesque Park City. Lucky me.

As some of you know, I started writing articles for Power of Moms last fall and applied to become a trainer/organizer for their Retreats as well. Once selected, my involvement in the organization has grown (stay tuned for a TV spot airing in May that will share our story and the blessing of Learning Circles ). I love the motto of Power of Moms - "A Gathering Place for Deliberate Mothers." How great is that?!? I have also found that the women I have met and worked with in the organization are the kind of women I am striving to be. Intelligent, Thoughtful, Strong, Articulate and Creative women that truly are trying to make a difference. In the world AND in their homes. After all, isn't that where we can make the most significant impact in the end?

This weekend, I will be sharing our story of Grief and Loss and effective and healthy ways we have found to deal with such big feelings. Not everyone (hopefully) will lose a child. But EVERYONE will experience heartache in their lives. And so these coping strategies can be applied across the board. Please pray for me. This has been a really emotional week (as my loyal readers know) and I am feeling ultra vulnerable. But I feel peaceful about the presentation and so I am trusting in those feelings and moving forward.

I will also be moderating a discussion after Saturday's lunch on "Finding Joy in Motherhood." I am anxious to speak with a wide variety of women and learn from their insights. It's going to be a fabulous weekend.

There are future retreats scheduled around the country (including another retreat in Park City in May). If you are interested in spending a fabulous weekend learning and growing from other "deliberate mothers", click here for more details.

I can't wait to fill you in on what I have learned. What a blessing.

Also, tune in friday for a new feature on Sunshine Promises. I have one of my favorite people in the world (okay, my favorite person) that will be offering their perspective on Grief and Healing from a different point of view. It will be a wonderful new addition to this little cozy corner of the internet. I am so excited.

Love you all. Thank you dearly for your love and support and remember to hold your babes extra close today and take advantage of all the little moments in life that mean so much. xoxoxo