Thirty Five

Tomorrow is my birthday. My 35th.

When I was a child, I thought I'd die by the time I was "that old."

When I was a teen, I thought 35 was a lifetime away.

When I was in my twenties, I thought I'd have life figured out by that point.

But - once in my thirties - I've realized that my life has just begun. I am just beginning to learn all that I need to learn. I am barely sensing what the Lord needs me to be. And what I DO experience means so much more because of the context that lies beneath.

I have never been a person concerned with aging. My mother gave me that gift. I own every year of my life and have tried to fully LIVE every season Life has offered me. I am not concerned about age spots, wrinkles, or sagging tummy skin. Each represent a memory, laughter or - one of Life's most sacred experiences - child birth. All beautiful things. Things that make me smile with gratitude.

I have loved this season of being a Mother of young children. Can it be monotonous and exhausting? Oh yes. But the joys . . . oh, the joys. There are none greater. I feel so blessed to be a Mother.

So, in honor of being alive, I am making a list of things I want to LIVE, EXPERIENCE and BE in 2012. I feel that the coming year will bring great blessings for our family. I sense healing, happiness, adventure, new beginnings, creative ventures, new friendships, service, growth and - hopefully - new additions.

So as I anticipate the celebrations of tomorrow, I will set some time aside to quietly sit and contemplate what I want to do, be, and become. In essence, what difference I will make in the world. Most of all, my own.

Every breath is a gift. And I will not waste one.

That is my Birthday Wish.

No. Dang. Way.

I would like to dedicate my blogging absence to my lousy internet provider who made it possible for me to not have service for the last 8 days. It's amazing how underwhelming crappy service can be.

But I'm over it.

(Obviously.)

Anyhoo, this news more than makes up for that less-than-inspiring comment.

Guess what my dear friend shared with me this morning? These pictures. Aren't they absolutely amazing? For those that know me and one of my favorite books, this picture of a little boy with a dandelion is more than perfect. It is divine. Divine because every time I see a dandelion now, I think of my Sunshine Boy. I think of all the wonderful things we shared together and all the things I have to look forward to. And I consider who might be babysitting him while his Mommy and Daddy finish their business on Earth. And somehow, I wouldn't be surprised if a scene like this is happening. Even at this very minute.

So this is what I'm saving for. When we move into our new home in the waning moments of winter, I am going to survey the scene and find the perfect place for these pictures. And - when I find it - I'll buy the perfectly sized pictures for the space and every time I look at them, I'll remember God's eternal promises to Me, My Family and our Sweet Little Boy. Priceless.

And - for those who want to join in the celebration - I must mention . . . we will be digging the hole for our home soon. Like, in days. HELLO!!! Miracles never cease. (now just pray that we survive the winter in our "cave" without killing each other . . . AHHHHH!!!!)

Today I am grateful for Internet service (glory, glory hallelujah!), a little girl that didn't break her arm . . . again (loooong story), for house construction, and for tender mercies that come in the form of messages from friends and perfectly illustrated pictures that whisper of eternal truths.

God is good. And all Goodness comes from God.

How I love Him.

The Flower Bush

So, our extended weekend away was really quite wonderful. Just what the doctor ordered.

Here's a summary of our favorite things:

• The girls pampered ourselves with an afternoon of mani/pedis.
• We laughed as we splashed and played at the Aquatic Center.
• We cuddled up on a FABULOUSLY comfy sectional for family naps everyday.
• We thoroughly enjoyed Tuacahn's production of "Little Mermaid" (seriously love it).
• We made many memories at Snow Canyon hiking and playing trucks in the "big dirts" (aka Sand Dunes).
• And we savored creamy frozen frozen custard at one of our favorite shops. Delish.

All in all, the rest, relaxation, and recreation refueled and refreshed our souls. It. Was. Divine.

While playing in the "dirts" Saturday afternoon, I was taught a lesson by The Great Teacher. As I watched my children play in the sand with their adoring Daddy, my heart ached. I just. felt. empty. We weren't complete! Someone was missing! Ashton wasn't supposed to be playing cars by himself. Granted David and I were by his side but - let's face it - a parent is just NOT a brother. Period.

Anyhoo, as my kids were building sandcastles and I circled around snapping pictures, I literally stumbled upon this Flower Bush. Small, tender and budding yellow, it was quite the surprise juxaposed against the red desert sand. Where did it come from? How did it get there? How did it sustain life? It was quite the mystery.

And yet there it was, standing tall, acting as reminder of Life amid the toughest conditions. As beautiful as the red rocky landscape was, the contrast of the yellow made it all the more breathtaking.

Curious.

I thought about our Sunshine Boy. I remembered all the bright, sweet, joyful times that we shared. I remembered all the laughs, giggles, snuggles and songs.

And then I thought about the last 9 months. The Desert of our lives.

We have been nourished by the rain. We have learned to build sandcastles in the most arid conditions. And - through it all - our Little Flower Bush has stood by, looking all the more beautiful against the harshness of the conditions. How grateful we are for his immortality.

And so I will remember. I will rememeber all the "fun things" but - above all - I will remember the dramatic beauty of the desert. I will remember playing in the sand. And I will remember the sweet, unexpected Flower Bush that brought so much meaning on a tender afternoon.

Tender Mercies. Tender mercies.

A Day of Contrasts

Ten years ago today, America experienced a tragedy that took too many of its own.
Ten years ago today, I married my best friend.

Ten years ago, the world stood around televisions, staring wide-eyed, not believing the tragedy that was unfolding before them while I waiting in the Bride's room in the Salt Lake Temple, waiting to hear if they would keep the Temple open for our wedding.

Ten years ago, nearly 3,000 lives tragically ended.
Ten years ago, our family's life had just begun.

When we were married, the clergy that married us (called a "Sealer" in our faith) referred to the day as "a day of contrasts." He reminded us that - in the future - when we experience turmoil, loss, stress or tragedy, we could should return to the promises made that day and remember where we can turn to receive true peace.

And, oh, have we experienced those kinds of days.

But this year I feel the loss differently. I ache in a whole different way with these families because I too have experienced a bone-chilling loss. I HAVE become "well acquainted with grief" and I know what it's like to have your life change in an instant. To have the wind literally knocked out of you and have to literally labor through every breath.

The good news? There is Hope. There is Goodness. There is Light. And there is Joy. Though there will be moments of Darkness and - at times - they can feel suffocating. But the Morning will come. It will. The Sun will continue to rise and it will continue to warm, nourish and feed your soul. Will things ever be "normal"? No. But that can be a good thing. You are changed forever. Heaven is in your Home because part of your Home is in Heaven. And that is a very lovely thing.

In a 1864 letter to a Mrs. Bixby, a Mother who lost 5 of her sons in the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln penned these words:

"I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom."

May I add my prayers to that of that wonderful, inspired man. May our prayers penetrate the Heavens in behalf of all the heartbroken and those looking for hope.

It will come. It will come.

Just Singin' in the Rain

Sunday was a beautiful day. The weather was hot and muggy. But then - in the middle of the day - a sudden rainstorm. The raindrops and puddles seemed to call out to my kids to come and splash.

And so they did.

Out they went - donning their Sunday clothes - running through the streets and puddles while the rain fell on their faces. They danced, they sang and they held hands, spinning around in circles. It. Was. Magical.

On days such as these, I am reminded of all the Joy there still is to experience in Life. Yes, we have experienced loss and Yes, the longing for our sweet Bennett will never go away. But I have three precious children here with me. Three children to laugh with, play with, cuddle, caress and sing lullabies to. What a Gift that is.

And somehow, on days such as this, it is almost like I can see a little toe head boy giggling and galloping behind his siblings.

I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't be surprised.

Break

I think it's time for a break.

Tomorrow my hubs and I are flying out of town for a long weekend (sans kids). David's sister is blessing her beautiful Baby Girl and we are joining her for the blessed event. We are flying in a few days early to have some much needed R&R before the Main Event on Sunday. We have just experienced six of the craziest months of our life. It's time to refuel.

And so we shall.

And so tomorrow, I shall be looking out my window at this view. Pretty spectacular, eh? I think so. I can hardly wait.

So ta ta for now! I will be blogging once more next week relaxed, refueled and refilled. And heaven knows this Mama needs that.

Have a great weekend!

Bad Dream

It's strange how your mind takes facts from your life and twists them into a storyline in your dreams. They may or may not make sense when you wake up but when you are sleeping, they are oh-so-real.

My dream began last night on some kind of a home tour. We were preparing to build a home (which we are) and I was checking out homes for building ideas (like I have). I was at some kind of a luxury estate, perusing the grounds and checking out the lush, manicured landscaping. The oversized french doors opened immediately into a large, opulent pool in back. It looked stunning. I added "pool" to my wishlist.

As I continued to explore the grounds, I got swept up in my intrigue. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes to hours. Soon I looked around. Where were my children? I quickly looked around me. To the right. To the left. OH! There was Emma in the distance. And was that Gracie with her? Yes. Yes, it was. Now where could the boys be? My heart started to thump loudly within my chest. I ran toward the hedged pathway. There was Ashton, playing happily in the dirt. But where was Bennett, I asked?

"I no know," said Ashton.

Panic started settling in. Where was my baby? Then the thought of the pool came to mind. Fear pulsed through me as I ran toward the pristine turquoise waters. There . . . there on the cool, crisp surface was my baby, floating face down.

What happened from there is a blur.

I awoke this morning in a panic. I had sweat pulsing down my back and my breath was quickened. Though the circumstances were different, the feelings were the same. Panic, helplessness, disbelief, shock and grief. All feelings that hit a little too close to home.

Sometimes I'm mad at my mind. I'm mad at it for continuing to play tricks on me. To make me relive the feelings of this indescribable nightmare time and time again. Isn't enough enough? Sometimes its just too much.

So today, I need to go to my happy place. I need to focus on things that bring me joy, peace and healing. I can't control what my brain purges in my sleep at night, but I DO have control of how I think when I am awake. And so I'm going to do every thing I can to spend my time and energy on thoughts and feelings of Light, Progression and Joy.

Bennett would want it that way.

Happiness List

A week ago, we decided to do something special with our family for Family Home Evening. We packed the crew up, headed up to Bennett's grave and began compiling a Happiness List. We went around in a circle and began naming - one by one - things that brought us Joy. Some things were simple, some meaningful and some comical inside jokes. But everything on that list meant something. To every one of us.

After finishing our list, I went home and sent the compiled list to my talented, artistic graphic artist friend, Carly from Playful Pickle Design. I gave her an idea and she ran with it.

This is what she came up with.

I love it. I adore it. I cherish it. I blew it up into a massive 20x20 print and am going to frame it for our home. A reminder every time that we look at it of all the blessings in our life. So many things bring us Joy. And remembering the Hand of our Heavenly Father is so tender and sweet.

Thank you, dear Carly. We love you. And we love our Happiness List.

A Birthday Gift from Heaven

Yesterday was a hard day. A really hard day. No one ever thinks they'll be commemorating their baby's 2nd birthday in a cemetery but - hey - it is what it is. Lots of people went out of their way to make it a meaningful day for us though. From flowers to gift cards to homemade gifts to a statue of the Savior holding a little boy . . . everything just warmed our hearts and made us feel oh-so-loved. We feel so blessed.

Along with those gifts, we received an unexpected surprise. A weeks or so ago, I received the oil painting of Bennett from Elspeth Young. I was in awe at the way she captured my boy whom she has never met. It was truly a miracle.

The day I received the painting in the mail, I took it to be custom framed. I was told that the painting would not be returned for another 2-3 weeks. And so I waited.

I awoke yesterday morning feeling melancholy. I can't possibly put into words all the emotions that went through my heart yesterday morning. How I ached to hold him, to see him run across the floor and throw his tiny little arms around me. And his smile. Oh, that smile. It lit up the room! How I longed to feel the warmth of his light.

And then it happened. My phone buzzed announcing an incoming call from the framing gallery. The painting had mysteriously appeared on an earlier shipment. It was completed more than a week ahead of schedule. Was this unusual? I asked. Yes. It was indeed. This is no accident, I explained. It was my baby's birthday. This was a gift from both him and a loving Heavenly Father that knew this Mommy's heart. The framing sales associate and I wept. It was meant to be.

So miracles DO happen. They do indeed. God - at times - allows hard things to happen. Things that will break our hearts. But in the madness and heartache of it all, He sends messages reminding us that He is aware and is ever present in our lives. Yesterday, that message arrived in the form of a framed oil painting. It was perfect. Simply perfect.

Just like the Givers.

Many have expressed interest in obtaining a print of our Sweet Bennett. He has become a symbol of Hope, Love, Light and Faith to so many. To purchase a print of this fabulous painting, click here.

Best. Day. Ever.

Spools of Yarn and Body Slams. That's what good weekends are made of.

I know. Explain.

So, last week, I spent oodles of time preparing for Easter, trying to make it tender, comforting and meaningful despite our missing Bennett ever so much this week. I went shopping in search of just the right gifts, assembled perfectly balanced (in fun and meaning) baskets and scheduled activities all weekend that would bring a smile to all our faces. And what did my kids like most? Totally the unexpected.

It all started Saturday afternoon when - during quiet time - David and I took spools of yarn and made an obstacle course for each child, beginning at their beds. When they awoke, one at a time, each child went in search for their Easter basket, following their designated yarn as a guide. They loved the hunting and finding and were thoroughly thrilled upon finding their treasures. What surprised me was that they thought the spool of yarn was part of the gift and it quickly became their most prized possession. Soon Emma and Grace were creating Rapunzel wigs with their yarn and - standing on our grand staircase - calling out to their father to come and rescue them (maybe they've watched Tangled one too many times). Then Ashton tied the yarn to his monster trucks and started towing yarn remnants around the house like a tow truck. The creativity continued the following day when the girls decided to tuck their spools of yarn into their scripture bags and take it to church. In the middle of sacrament meeting, out came the yarn and the jewelry making began. In an hour, every one of us had multiple bracelets, rings and necklaces made of knotted yarn. They were so proud of their creations.

The Body Slamming Event began Saturday evening. After a day full of fun, we ended the evening with the kids eating some of their Easter candy while we watched a family flick. Out of no where, spontaneous body slamming began. First Ashton. Then Grace. And finally Emma. David and I were - of course - on the bottom, taking the brunt of every slam while the kids were giggling, whooping and hollering for more. As Gracelyn was jumping at the bottom of our bed, prepping for her next slam, she shouted, "THIS IS THE BEST. DAY. EVER!!!!"

It returned for a repeat performance Sunday evening. And - unfortunately for Mom and Dad - I don't see it going away soon.

Now isn't this interesting. I had spent all this time working out the details only to find that the most memorable and enjoyable activities were the ones that occurred unplanned and spontaneously. Isn't that Life, though? They say Life occurs when you've made other plans. Perhaps memories are like that, as well.

I need to live more in the moment, appreciating the littlest of things, and not be so distracted and focused on the grand ones. Because - more often than not - they really don't matter. And they are not what we remember most.

So here's to a new day. A day full of surprises, challenges, laughter and rewards just waiting to be discovered. And here's to making it the Best. Day. Ever.

The Take Away

Good Monday, my friends. It just feels like a Monday, doesn't it? All overcast, dreary and rainy. Oh well. I guess I'll have to thrive on the energy and light from last weekend.

The Power of Moms Retreat in Park City was amazing. Saturday especially. I was able to share our story of Grief, Healing and Hope and what we have learned from this experience (not even three months down the road). Just between us friends, I was more emotional than I wanted to be during my presentation. From the moment I held up Bennett's picture, I was a goner. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. But I was authentic. Entirely so (that's what I keep telling myself). And they saw my heart, as broken as it is. But I hope they also felt my Love, Hope and Faith. That was my goal, at least.

Some of my favorite take aways were:

• I love the Indian greeting Namaste (pronounced Nomis Day) meaning "I see the divine power in you". What a beautiful, profound greeting and recognition that we are ALL God's children.
  
• Serendipity - the state of mind whereby a person through Awareness and Sensitivity frequently finds something better than that which he was seeking . . . that's where I want to be.


• 3 things that help you be a deliberate mother: 1) spend 30 minutes every Sunday for personal planning 2) take a day away ALONE to plan, dream and rejuvenate 3)Be with other like minded mothers


• Lead a Life with Margins (read Restoring Margins to Overloaded Lives by Richard Swenson)


• Once a month, go out to dinner with David and have a Five Facet Review of all our children discussing their Physical, Mental, Emotional, Social and Spiritual well being.


• Write down our Family Laws (must be short, sweet and to the point)


• Create a Family Motto


• Teach Children Financial Responsibility - Give 10% to God, Save 20% in Bank and Live on the remaining 70% . . . a good lesson for us ALL!!!


• Make a Tradition Scrapbook listing our traditions for every month of the year and MAKE THEM HAPPEN! Memories matter and are one of the only things that last forever.


• Favorite new quote - "There is no comfort in the growth zone and there is no growth in the comfort zone." How true is THAT!?!


• Another great quote - "Spectacular achievement is always preceded by unspectacular preparation." Need I say more?


• Create a Vision Board with what you want to do and who you want to become (kinda sounds like The Secret, doesn't it?)


• Make SMART Goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timebound


• Be Deliberate vs. Routine, Present vs. Distracted and Thriving vs. Surviving

It really was THAT wonderful. After last week (okay, the last THREE months . . . who are we kidding?!?), I really needed to fill my well. And I did. It gave me just the fire I needed in my bones to come home and live deliberately and serendipitously.

Life is a Gift. Everyday. Now it's up to me to make it worthwhile and really make a difference in Myself, My family, My community and the world. It can happen. And I will make it so.

If you have built castles in the air, they need not be lost. Now just put foundations under them. (Thoreau)

Note to Self

Whenever you put something online, you have no control of what happens from there.

Yesterday, I went out on a limb and shared a very personal story of how our blog came to be. Accompanying our story, I shared an even MORE personal montage of photos and videos of our family at Bennett's viewing/funeral/burial. While I hesitated posting it (due to its personal and tender nature), I finally decided to go forward based on the sensitive way my sweet friend photographed our tenderest of moments. Nothing alarming or jolting. Just peaceful.

At least, that is how I saw it.

Though this little blog has been up for a month now, I still have mini panic attacks regarding us being so public with our Grief. At times, I want to close up shop and do the private blog route again.

Today was one of those days.

Without going into much detail, I came across a thread today where some spoke quite critically of my openness and - in particular - the video we posted of Bennett's viewing. I in NO WAY mean to parade our grief to get attention, adulation or notoriety. If you think that, you simply don't know me. I am simply following a prompting. Period. End of sentence.

That said, thanks to so many of you who see this blog for what it is. Thank you for those who have shared their love, hope and faith so willingly with us. Thank you for those that have cried with me while reading our story. I hope some of those have been happy tears and that they have reminded you (as they have me) of the true meaning of Life and where we can find our greatest Joy. May we all give each other the benefit of the doubt and trust that we are all trying to do our level best to keep our heads above water.

I did not choose this path. It was chosen for me. But I will not shrink from the promptings I have received. I will protect my family first but I will also continue to share our journey, our faith, our hope and our joy.

Because that is what Life is about.

Note to Self.

Wednesday is . . .

• Garbage day
• Laundry day
• Grocery day
• Diet Dr. Pepper with Lemon day
• And a day full of storybooks, songs, animal crackers, cars and cuddles

Here's one of our favorites. Enjoy!

Love and Thanks

I just wanted to thank you for your love and support. It's really quite amazing.

Have I ever told you how this blog came to fruition? Well, perhaps I should.

The night following Bennett's death I could not sleep. We were sleeping at my parent's home (they had not ruled out environmental factors yet) and - surrounded by my three remaining children and husband in a king size bed - I laid in bed shaking and weeping. I can't do this! I thought. This is too much for me. Ask anything but this. ANYTHING!

Unable to sleep, I went into my parents bathroom around 2 am to take a bath. They called me into their bed and together we held each other and just cried like our hearts were breaking. Because they were. When I felt too weak to cry any more, I dragged myself to the bathroom and slid into their clawfoot tub. I sat there, face heavenward, asking the Lord what He wanted of me. The answer came softly, clearly and suddenly. Write a blog about your journey.

Now, you must understand that - though I HAVE been writing a blog for nearly three years - it is PRIVATE and I am extremely careful who I add to my blog list. I wanted to protect my children, protect my family and share amongst people I knew and trusted. So the prompting to start a blog that narrated the most personal and painful journey of my life was a bit scary. I fought it (of course). But - when the promptings would not cease - finally reserved the blog address "a mothers grief observed." Time passed. We spent lots of time at the mortuary holding Bennett, making hand molds, taking lots of pictures and enjoying having him in our home one last time (following his first viewing) before his burial. Then we celebrated his light and life at his funeral the following day, testified of God's Love and Plan and then buried our baby. It was surreal, to say the least.

Weeks passed. And amid all the changes and investigations, the prompting continued. Write a blog about your journey. Only the impression became more specific on what the focus should be. Hope. Hope, was the prevailing impression. Testify of Hope. And thus the birth of Sunshine Promises. A blog whose subtitle says it all: Love, Laugh, Learn and Live Amid Life's Storms.

Now - just over a month old - my humble little blog has reached places and people I could have never imagined. In that short time, we have had over 36,000 hits and I have had the privilege of hearing others stories of inspiration, faith, healing and loss that have bolstered my own spirits. I don't know how people have found my blog and I don't know how the word has spread so fast. But it has. And I guess I should not be surprised given the fact that it was not MY idea. It was His.

Now as we have entered a new chapter of our grief (and a difficult one at that), I must thank you for how your thoughts, love and prayers have bolstered my little family. This is tough and it means more than you know. I would not wish this heartache upon a n y o n e , but if it were to happen to us (which is has), I am grateful that a loving Heavenly Father saw fit to set up an infrastructure of support for this heartbroken, aching mother. Will there be peace, joy, gratitude and love? You bet. But there will also be hard, difficult and even angry feelings. And that is okay. It is all a part of the journey. And - in the end - all will be made whole. Our hearts included.

We're Back

We're back after taking a week

vacation in lovely San Diego. This afternoon we exchanged 70 degree weather for snow. Uhhh . . . what were we thinking?

It is good to be back, though. There really is no place like home. This week, I will share some of our favorite memories made as a family of five. Some were sweet, some were tender and some just brought tears to our eyes. But all together, it was a wonderful trip. We feel blessed to be able to get away and make some wonderful new memories. We need to fill our canteens as much as possible right now.

Hope you all had a great week! Cross your fingers that spring will be around the corner!

See you on Monday . . . xoxoxo

Sweet Dreams

Last night, I had a dream. A vivid dream. A dream of Bennett.

Bennett was back in my arms. I knew he had passed away but he had miraculously returned and I - appreciating him more than ever - held him closer and kissed him more than ever before (and THAT is saying A LOT). Things were better than ever and everything was back to normal.

Except for one thing. He didn't have any arms.

In the dream, I remember trying to give Bennett a dum dum sucker (one of his favorite treats) but not knowing whether to just put it in his mouth or hold it for him. This was a whole new challenge.

But I was eager to take on this challenge. Willingly and happily. Having him - in any form or condition - was better than not having him at all. I was grateful to hold him in my arms and cuddle him all the more. My heart felt whole once more and all was well in the world.

Since I awoke this morning, I've been thinking about (what was unfortunately just) my dream last night. Though it was a bit strange in hindsight, it seemed quite realistic at the time (aren't all dreams like that?). Though I don't believe ALL dreams have meaning, I believe that this one held particular significance for me.

Since his birth, Bennett has touched many with his amazingly loving, gentle and generous spirit. I remember one of my dearest friends coming to see him when he was only a few months old. When she held him for the first time, she began crying. "He is so special!" she said. "I can just feel the strength of his spirit as I look at him!" I knew this and his father had felt it as well. We knew this was an incredible human being with an amazing mission ahead but it was quite surreal to hear it from someone who had no previous experience with him. He was THAT powerful.

As Bennett's Mother, I would often wonder what the Lord had in mind for this little boy. What would he bring to the world? What was his mission? And what could I do to prepare him for his journey? I felt humbled and honored to be called to the task and to be a part of his precious life.

Enter January 22, 2011. Bennett suddenly passed away to the stunned amazement of us all. It was as if the air was completely knocked out of our lungs. What? When? How? It just didn't make sense! And to this day - almost three months later - we don't have a lot of answers. A lot of physical answers, that is. And I don't know if we ever will.

But this is what we are finding out. Bennett did have a mission. Both here and on the other side. And he fulfilled it here and is continuing to fill it there. But there is a part of his mission that continues to involve us, his loved ones that - for a time - have been left behind. We have been called to carry on his legacy and tell his story. His is a story of Love. His is a story of Light. And His is a story of Laughter. Now we are here to write the remaining chapters.

What will they be? Will they be filled with Hope, Faith, Gratitude and Joy? Or will they tainted tales of Bitterness, Anger and Resentment? Right now, we are his hands. We are here to tell the story he cannot tell. And we are hear to spread the message his sweet lips will not utter in this life.

But tell it we will. And we will not stop until everyone knows our story of Hope, understands our reason for Joy and is comforted with the news that Death is NOT the end. We WILL see our sweet children again. No goodbyes, just see you later's. That's our motto. And Later won't come soon enough.

So tonight, I recommit to telling our Sweet Bennett story once more. I have not chosen this path. It was chosen for me. And I feel called to share this message.

And share it I will.

I will be Bennett's hands and I will share our sweet story of Faith, Hope and Joy despite heartache, despite loss and in the face of profound grief and sorrow. And we will prevail. We will. And as a team, we will do what we need to do to be together again. Cause there ain't nothin' better than that.

Time for bed. 'Nigh 'nigh (as Bennett would say). And Sweet Dreams.

Spring Break

Spring Break is here and we could not be more ready for it. We have been hangin' on, puttin' one foot in front of the other, waiting for some rest and reprieve from the rigors of life. So this week long spring break is just what the doctor ordered. We will be playing, laughing, eating, sunbathing, swimming and doing all-things frolicky and fun. What a blessing. What a blessing.

In other news, wasn't General Conference fantastic!?! Holy cow. I couldn't believe how many addresses were tailored to our family. I am so grateful that inspired leaders got the memo on what our family needed ;0) Some of my favorites were from Jean A. Stevens and Richard G. Scott. Wow, could we relate. What a teacher Adversity can be.

My goals for today? Hold hands as much as possible, Wink at my sweetheart, Laugh even more, Snuggle each one of my babes and tell them why they are such an important part of our family and Capture as many of these moments as possible with a camera. I have learned (the hard way) of the importance of capturing life's images. They may be all you've got to remember the most tender everyday moments in your life.

Have a fabulous day, friends! xoxoxo

Weekend of Inspiration

When David and I were dating, I told him that he better be good to me because I was one of my Heavenly Father's "favorite girls." I hope everyone feels this way. As I have gotten older, I continue to feel His love and awareness through all the events of Life. I am a lucky girl.

This week was hard. Super hard. And I don't see the feelings we are feeling going away anytime soon. That said, Heaven knew this and has showered many blessings on me this weekend.

• Last night, David and I went with some of our dearest friends to see the musical "A Tale of Two Cities." Though a huge fan of Dickens, I was unfamiliar with the storyline of this particular show. HOOOOLY cow! What an amazingly moving story with complex twists and turns. In many ways, it mirrored "Les Mis" with themes of the French Revolution, loss, darkness, light, tragedy, hope, forgiveness, heartache, sacrifice and redemption. It was amazing. I must say - being unfamiliar with the storyline - that I was a bit unprepared for the small boy that was run over and killed by an Aristocrat carriage. Seeing his lifeless body carried by his father across the stage and put in a casket was a bit much for me (given our recent experiences). It unfortunately hit a little too close to home. But I am choosing to remember the themes of Hope, Light, Sacrifice and Redemption. It was truly a well done production. Bravo.
• This weekend, we have the privilege of hearing inspirational and faith promoting thoughts from inspired leaders. As a Mormon, we have a religious gathering broadcast around the world called General Conference. Twice a year (April/October), our leaders teach us principles of Faith, Hope, Forgiveness, Charity and Love. It is truly "living water" for this parched mommy's soul. I am looking forward to General Conference now more than ever. I so need to feel the Healing and Peace that comes only from a Divine source. I will be tuning in all weekend and praying to be in tune to the messages my Loving Heavenly Father will send me. (click here to join me)
• As my children begin their spring break, we have planned a week of family fun and memory making. I can't wait to let go of some of the cares of the world and turn our focus to the simple things: Laughing, Running, Playing, Tickling, Swimming, Eating and Loving together. We so need this time to replenish our souls. What a blessing.

Wishing you an inspiring weekend as well, sweet friends. xoxoxo

My First and Best Friend

This is my sister, Katie. But I call her Kates, Hakuna McKata, Sugarlips or Hot Mama. I have known her for as long as I can remember (thirty two years, to be exact). We have experienced many of life's experiences together. From Joy School to violin lessons, dance to singing lessons, the infamous Family Bluegrass Band (oh, the drama and memories) and even shared our college experiences together at two different colleges on opposing coasts. We share many of the same talents and interests. And in many ways, our lives have been quite parallel. But Life has seen fit to introduce heartaches that we would have never imagined as young girls playing Barbies. Indeed, we are both living our "hardest things."

What do I love about Kates? Once she is your friend, she is your friend for life. She is as loyal as they come. She is all about quality vs. quantity. And she invests in those she loves. She always inspires me on my own path of becoming because of her own quest for progression. Indeed, to know her is to love her.

Why am I writing about my beautiful sister? Because along this path of Loss, there are many that come and go. But few are there for the long haul. When others seem to move on with their lives and forget about the gaping hole in your heart, those few are there to cry with you, let you rant and rave, be your comic relief or meet a need you didn't even know you had. These type of friends are gold.

They do not say, "if you need anything let me know." They just do something. Anything. And completely unsolicited. And somehow, it's always just what you need in the moment you need it most. You can be completely real with them and they can handle whatever emotion you have to share. Your relationship is THAT strong. They are your greatest advocate, your kindest critic, your shoulder to cry on and your partner in crime. Summed up, they are IT. In the words of our little Bennett (Katie's "boyfriend"): "[THEY] ROCK!!!"

I am grateful to have so many incredible people in my life. Indeed, I dare not make a "favorite list" because I am afraid I'd miss someone that means oh-so-much to me. That said, it would be hard to find someone that shares the history and experiences that Kates and I share. She is irreplaceable. And I pray that the Good Lord allows us to share the Heartaches and Joys of Life together. I cannot imagine my life without her. Period.

So, here's to you, Dear Sister and Friend. Thank you for all your love and support throughout ALL my life but especially the last 2.5 months. I couldn't do it without you.

Love you most, Sweet Sister Friend -

Little Miss Sassypants

Angel Lullaby

Like many, our family has developed a night time ritual. After family prayer, David typically reads to the girls (they are finishing the "Chronicles of Narnia" series) and tucks them in bed while I take care of the boys bedtime routine. Most of the time, that involves a story or two (mostly of the car variety) while cuddling. It also ALWAYS involves a song. For Bennett, it was "His Song" and with Ashton, it typically was "The Wheels On The Bus" (not the song that I would choose but - hey - it should be HIS choice, right?).

After Bennett's passing, our family was reeling with the consequences of our "new reality". Though all of my child are grieving differently, Ashton has had the most difficult time. I think that is partly due to his age (3), the fact that he and Bennett spent every moment of their lives together and that they are only 16 months apart. He doesn't know what life is like WITHOUT his brother. Thus the dramatic adjustment.

Immediately following Bennett's passing, Ashton would not enter their room. Not to play, not to nap, not to sleep. After a few weeks of having him sleep with David and I, we knew that this could not continue. NO ONE was getting any rest!!! So out with the old, in with the new. As the crib and toddler bed came down, a new twin bed went up. As the heavy navy comforters were packed away, fresh tailored bedding was introduced. And as Bennett's clothes were put in storage bins and his favorite things were lovingly laid in a hope chest, the car table was moved into the room for Ashton's entertainment. Though difficult, it was therapeutic for all to give the room a fresh new look. It helps us remember the good memories and forget the more traumatic ones. That's a blessing.

As we started creating our new routine, we wanted to balance old traditions with new ones that would include Bennett in a new way in our family. Here's what we came up with:

• We still call our family to prayer with the song that would bring Bennett running and dancing to the ottoman. And - I am glad to say - we often remember his dances with smooth moves of our own. Smiling and laughing is always a good thing.


• After we say our family prayer in the morning and evening, we immediately follow our "Amen" with blowing a kiss to Heaven, a token of our love for Bennett. And I believe he catches every one.


• We also have continued to follow our family prayer with our family cheer, something that Bennett looked forward to every day. He loved feeling like part of "the team."

As time passed and Ashton got used to his "new room", we started creating a new bedtime routine, as well. I started singing him a song that has become his favorite while cuddling in bed at night. It is fittingly entitled "Angel Lullaby" (click title to hear song):

You came from a land where all is light
to a world half day and a world half night.
To guide you by day, you have my love,
To guard you by night, your friends above.

(Chorus)
So sleep, sleep, till the darkness ends,
guarded by your [Bennett Friend].
So sleep, sleep, till the darkness ends,
guarded by your [Bennett Friend].

There's one stands softly by your bed
and another sits close with a hand on your head.
There's one at the window watching for the dawn,
and one waits to wake you when the night is gone.

Every night when I sing this lullaby to Ashton, he looks around the room and up at the ceiling. I pray he is able to feel the presence of his little buddy and that - at that tender time - he is able to feel a special outpouring of our Heavenly Father's Love. While Bennett is not with us for a time, he will be part of our family unit forever. And just because we cannot see him does not mean that he is still not actively involved in our family's events and activities. Is it the same as having him here? No way. But is this new arrangement part of Heavenly Father's plan for our family? We believe so. And as we cling to those beliefs and rely on a Loving Father who IS aware of us and blesses us with His Love and Mercy every day, we find the Hope, Strength and Faith to move forward. It doesn't get better than that.

And so tonight, I'll hold the little boy I have on Earth and sing him our "new song", praying that his brother is somehow able to listen in on this Mommy's lullaby. And that - for at least a few moments - it will be like he's in my arms again.

Good Night, my Angel Boy. Good night.