Real

So, I've been out awhile. The cause? A combination of things. The health issues of a child, an upcoming move and simply the fact that I didn't feel like writing.

So, I didn't.

So where am I at?

I am sad.

I am grateful.

I am nervous.

And I am hopeful.

In a few weeks, we'll be moving. Again. And with that move will come a wave of emotions. I'll be unpacking items that I haven't seen in over a year. A crib, a carseat, bins of clothing, bedding and items that were oh-so-special to a precious little blonde, blue-eyed boy. And - in all honesty - I'm scared.

I'm scared of going back to a really raw place. I'm scared that I may not be ready to deal with some very real feelings. I'm scared that I won't want to use the crib my son died in. And yet, I'm scared to get rid of it. And I'm scared of moving on to this new chapter without my son.

I'm grateful for new begginings. I'm grateful for a home that is customized to fit the needs, lifestyle and tastes of our family (particularly me ;0). I'm grateful for a fantastic new neighborhood, congregation and friends that have already blessed my life. And I'm grateful to God who is the Great Giver of all these Gifts.

I am nervous for what's ahead. I am nervous that I will deal with infertility again. I am nervous about the anxiety I will feel when having another baby. I am nervous about my baby sleeping . . . period. I am nervous about what the core of another child's health concerns are. I am nervous about my ability to adapt to even more change. And I am nervous that my children will grow up with a worry wort mother.

But I am hopeful for our future. God loves me - He tells me daily - and has a plan for our family. He has led us this far, guiding us every step of the way, and will not leave us comfortless. We don't have all the answers but we are closely connected with The One who does. Will hard times come? You can count on it. But are there good things ahead? You. Bet. And we'll celebrate it all. The Good AND the Growing.

Because that's who we are. And that is who we will continue to be.

My Thoughts this New Years

This is a picture of our last New Years Eve Celebration. My sister and niece joined us and we had a rip roarin' party. So fun.

This morning, this was my Facebook Status:

While I am eager for New Beginnings after the most difficult year of my life, I am also melancholy today as I close the book on the last year that bore my son's breath.

But I am changed. Changed for good.

And - though at a high price - we are more fit for truly LIVING, loving, learning and giving while we "live in the moment." In other words, we are more prepared for moving Home with Bennett.

So thank you, 2011. Thank you.

That about sums it up. There's not much more to say.

Happy New Year, friends. Happy New Year.

Thirty Five

Tomorrow is my birthday. My 35th.

When I was a child, I thought I'd die by the time I was "that old."

When I was a teen, I thought 35 was a lifetime away.

When I was in my twenties, I thought I'd have life figured out by that point.

But - once in my thirties - I've realized that my life has just begun. I am just beginning to learn all that I need to learn. I am barely sensing what the Lord needs me to be. And what I DO experience means so much more because of the context that lies beneath.

I have never been a person concerned with aging. My mother gave me that gift. I own every year of my life and have tried to fully LIVE every season Life has offered me. I am not concerned about age spots, wrinkles, or sagging tummy skin. Each represent a memory, laughter or - one of Life's most sacred experiences - child birth. All beautiful things. Things that make me smile with gratitude.

I have loved this season of being a Mother of young children. Can it be monotonous and exhausting? Oh yes. But the joys . . . oh, the joys. There are none greater. I feel so blessed to be a Mother.

So, in honor of being alive, I am making a list of things I want to LIVE, EXPERIENCE and BE in 2012. I feel that the coming year will bring great blessings for our family. I sense healing, happiness, adventure, new beginnings, creative ventures, new friendships, service, growth and - hopefully - new additions.

So as I anticipate the celebrations of tomorrow, I will set some time aside to quietly sit and contemplate what I want to do, be, and become. In essence, what difference I will make in the world. Most of all, my own.

Every breath is a gift. And I will not waste one.

That is my Birthday Wish.

Brownie Points

Today I ran into someone I haven't seen in a long time. She was going one direction - with a toddler on her hip - and I was going another. But we quickly made time to catch up for a minute.

The typical questions came up. How long have you lived here? Where do you live? How many kids do you have? The last question - of course - is always interesting for me. I ALWAYS say we have four children which leaves people awkwardly looking around for the missing party.

Come to find out, this friend had heard through the grapevine of Bennett's death. She asked me how he passed away (a question that does not bother me in the least). I replied that he quietly and unexpectedly passed away in his sleep. She stood there - stunned for a minute - and then suddenly responded, "It must have just been his time. What a blessing."

Ouch. Sucker punch to the gut. I looked into the eyes of her beautiful blue eyed 2-year-old boy whose adventurous eyes gazed back into mine and quietly replied, "Not really."

I could have said so much more. I could have told her that - despite all that I've learned - I'd give EVERYTHING back in a heartbeat to have my arms full of toddlerhood and ALL that that entails. I'd love to be spending my days wiping noses, changing diapers, child proofing my electrical outlets, finding trails of cheerios on the floor, stressing out about potty training and helping him "adjust" to his nursery class at church. That I'd love to have his distractions on my grocery shopping trip and I'd love to be dealing with his "terrible twos."

But I didn't say any of that. I held my tongue. Why? Because - from what I can remember - this woman is an angel. A Saint, I tell you. She has a heart of gold and wouldn't hurt a flea. She had no idea how her words hit me. And I know they were not meant to do so.

But they did. And it was all I could do to not scoop up her little boy in my arms and give him all the extra 2 year old Mommy love that I'm so missing right now.

I'm learning. I'm learning so much. I'm trying to give people the benefit of the doubt whenever possible because I KNOW I've been "that person" a time or two (or more) myself. I KNOW I have. And what goes around comes around.

And - heaven knows - I need all the brownie points I can get.

The Flower Bush

So, our extended weekend away was really quite wonderful. Just what the doctor ordered.

Here's a summary of our favorite things:

• The girls pampered ourselves with an afternoon of mani/pedis.
• We laughed as we splashed and played at the Aquatic Center.
• We cuddled up on a FABULOUSLY comfy sectional for family naps everyday.
• We thoroughly enjoyed Tuacahn's production of "Little Mermaid" (seriously love it).
• We made many memories at Snow Canyon hiking and playing trucks in the "big dirts" (aka Sand Dunes).
• And we savored creamy frozen frozen custard at one of our favorite shops. Delish.

All in all, the rest, relaxation, and recreation refueled and refreshed our souls. It. Was. Divine.

While playing in the "dirts" Saturday afternoon, I was taught a lesson by The Great Teacher. As I watched my children play in the sand with their adoring Daddy, my heart ached. I just. felt. empty. We weren't complete! Someone was missing! Ashton wasn't supposed to be playing cars by himself. Granted David and I were by his side but - let's face it - a parent is just NOT a brother. Period.

Anyhoo, as my kids were building sandcastles and I circled around snapping pictures, I literally stumbled upon this Flower Bush. Small, tender and budding yellow, it was quite the surprise juxaposed against the red desert sand. Where did it come from? How did it get there? How did it sustain life? It was quite the mystery.

And yet there it was, standing tall, acting as reminder of Life amid the toughest conditions. As beautiful as the red rocky landscape was, the contrast of the yellow made it all the more breathtaking.

Curious.

I thought about our Sunshine Boy. I remembered all the bright, sweet, joyful times that we shared. I remembered all the laughs, giggles, snuggles and songs.

And then I thought about the last 9 months. The Desert of our lives.

We have been nourished by the rain. We have learned to build sandcastles in the most arid conditions. And - through it all - our Little Flower Bush has stood by, looking all the more beautiful against the harshness of the conditions. How grateful we are for his immortality.

And so I will remember. I will rememeber all the "fun things" but - above all - I will remember the dramatic beauty of the desert. I will remember playing in the sand. And I will remember the sweet, unexpected Flower Bush that brought so much meaning on a tender afternoon.

Tender Mercies. Tender mercies.

Fall Break

My babes have their fall break this weekend so we're heading off to a lovely place for a long weekend together. We'll swim, hike, visit historical sites, play at the park, watch a play under the stars and eat really yummy food.

But - most of all - we'll just be together.

It will be perfect.

Have a great week. xoxoxoxo

P.S.

Here's a favorite recipe we're making for the road. ENJOY!

Road Trip Trail Mix

Ingredients

• 4 cups assorted cereal and crackers; Cherrios, Chex, Corn Flakes, goldfish, pretzels, etc.
• 2 cups assorted nuts; almonds, pecans, walnuts, pistachios, etc.
• ½ cup coconut
• ½ cup butter, melted
• ¼ cup corn syrup
• 1 Tb Cinnamon
• ¼ cup brown sugar
• 1 cup dried cranberries
• ½ chocolate chips

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees. In a large bowl, combine cereals, nuts, Cinnamon, coconut and brown sugar.
2. Mix in melted butter and corn syrup making sure all pieces are lightly coated.
3. Lay on a large sheet pan and bake for 35 minutes, tossing periodically.
4. Let cool completely before tossing in chocolate chips and cranberries. ENJOY!

Inseparably Connected

They say that "the spirit and body are the soul of man" (Doctrine and Covenants 88:15). I couldn't agree more. What affects one affects the other. They ARE inseparably connected.

There are only two times in my life when my body has gone into shock: 1) When I was eight months pregnant with our third child and was told that our three year old daughter was critically ill and might not make it, and 2) After Bennett passed away.

For those who have not experienced physical shock, it is interesting to find out just how your body responds. Some throw up, some scream, yell and throw things and others may faint. For me? My whole body went into convulsions.

After Bennett's death, bedtime seemed to be a trigger for me. Both when I went to bed at night and when I awoke in the morning. For a moment I would forget. Then I'd look across the hall into his empty crib.

Where was my baby? Why was his crib empty? Why wasn't he calling for me in the morning?

And then it would all come back to me. My body would begin to shake as my teeth chattered.

And then the sobs came.

All the trauma, emotion and shock would hit me like a crashing wave all over again. I was reminded what that empty crib meant to my heart and how that changed our family. And my sweet husband would just hold me until the shaking subsided.

The shaking stopped just in enough time for the investigation to begin. For nearly three months, there was an open investigation into Bennett's death. During that time, we were questioned while awaiting the test results conducted during Bennett's autopsy. When they DID come, we were told they found no physical reason for Bennett's death. I asked the State Medical examiner how often this happened. His answer? Less than 1% of the time.

Lucky us.

I thought the worst was over. Then one day, nearly three months after Bennett's passing, I received a knock at the door. It was the investigator assigned to our case.

"I just wanted to stop by and give you some good news."

Okay. Maybe they found the cause of death? Maybe they had found something amiss in our home (i.e. carbon monoxide)? I don't know . . . not a lot of good news in this situation.

"I just spoke with the County Prosecuting Attorney and he feels comfortable not press charges against you and your husband."

No words. No words.

Then the self talk.

Keep your mouth shut, Amanda. Keep your mouth shut. He means well and it won't change anything.

Now time has marched on. Nearly 9 months, in fact. SO many things have happened. Both related and unrelated to Bennett's death. But - in the end - it has ALL taken its toll.

A few weeks ago, I decided to see a Doctor. I wasn't feeling right. Something was just "off." So I made an appointment.

After a TON of blood work was drawn, the results came back. The circumstances had waged a war on my spirit and body. My soul was a wreck.

As my spirit suffered, my body responded. They were, indeed, connected. As shock and grief hit, hormones reacted, deficiencies resulted and body systems quit doing their job. What my doctor suggested? It was time to simplify and chill out.

Now, one thing that is DANG HARD for this lady is simplification. I love to give my children lots of building opportunities. I love to attend fun events. I love to say Yes. I love to help those I love. I love to serve in my church. And I love to write and maintain this little blog. But - for the sake of Myself and My Family - I needed to take care of Me.

So we made a list. What were the nonnegotiables? School. Family Scripture Study and Prayer. Family Dinners. Harp. Piano. Then date night, Family Home Evening, weekly church attendance . . . And - hey - we might as well finish up the soccer season. But that about sums it up. Everything else became Negotiable.

So we withdrew from tennis. We didn't sign up for dance this fall. I pushed the pause button on a new demanding church calling. We canceled a family group therapy session that would be taxing on our time, emotions and resources. And we are just Being. Can we remove all the stresses of life? Heck no! But in simplifying, we have made them manageable.

Because we all know that every life situation is an opportunity to learn, what have I learned from this experience?

• I have learned that when Mommy suffers, the whole family suffers.
• I have learned to take care of Myself like I take care of others.
• I have learned that it's okay to say "Not right now."
• I have learned that life can be very rich with very few things.
• And I have learned that the most important things in life are not items listed on a calendar or to do list. They are relationships to be made, strengthened and cherished.

And that my Spirit and Body ARE Inseparably Connected.

Straight Up

Have you noticed I haven't been posting as frequently? Well, I feel like I'm currently stuck between a rock and a hard spot. And - since I pride myself on being open and honest on this blog - let me share where I'm at.

I'm already feeling like many expect me to move on. Heck, it's been seven months! Get over it already! ;0) Uh, wrong. I am still experiencing "firsts" around every turn. It's a big adjustment. And a heartbreaking one at that. Sometimes I still can't believe this has happened to us.

And yet, I feel Hope. Our family is optimistic about our future and we laugh and play and cuddle. A lot. It seems that our knowledge of the fragility of life has made us appreciate each other even more. Heaven seems closer because it is. And we feel firmly resolved to do whatever it takes to be with our Sweet Bennett again. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

So I feel torn between these feelings I have. My Grief and Loss are juxtaposed against my Gratitude, Hope, Faith and Joy. And - oft times - I don't know if I have the ability to communicate the feelings of my heart adequately. I want Sunshine Promises to be a place of Faith, Hope, and Light - and yet - Reality. I have never been one to sugarcoat things. But I don't want to be perceived as "dwelling" on our loss either. Is that as clear as mud?

But I won't be what I am not. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be real at all times. I wouldn't write for readers or for comments (though I love both ;0). I would simply try to put into words the state of my heart. Sometimes I feel that has happened while at other times, I have felt that I have fallen abysmally short. But I have kept writing. And I hope the Great Inspiration for this blog gives me props for that.

And so bear with me, friends. I am not prolific. I am just an ordinary person doing a really hard thing. Perhaps you can relate. And I will keep telling our story so that perhaps - maybe years from now - when my remaining babes go through their "hard things", they will be able to read back on the tender thoughts and feelings of their not-so-perfect mother who tried her darnedest to BE and LIVE what she BELIEVED. Even when her heart was breaking. And if - in that moment - what I write is of ANY value to them, I have succeeded.

And so I will keep writing.

Just Singin' in the Rain

Sunday was a beautiful day. The weather was hot and muggy. But then - in the middle of the day - a sudden rainstorm. The raindrops and puddles seemed to call out to my kids to come and splash.

And so they did.

Out they went - donning their Sunday clothes - running through the streets and puddles while the rain fell on their faces. They danced, they sang and they held hands, spinning around in circles. It. Was. Magical.

On days such as these, I am reminded of all the Joy there still is to experience in Life. Yes, we have experienced loss and Yes, the longing for our sweet Bennett will never go away. But I have three precious children here with me. Three children to laugh with, play with, cuddle, caress and sing lullabies to. What a Gift that is.

And somehow, on days such as this, it is almost like I can see a little toe head boy giggling and galloping behind his siblings.

I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't be surprised.

Best. Day. Ever.

Spools of Yarn and Body Slams. That's what good weekends are made of.

I know. Explain.

So, last week, I spent oodles of time preparing for Easter, trying to make it tender, comforting and meaningful despite our missing Bennett ever so much this week. I went shopping in search of just the right gifts, assembled perfectly balanced (in fun and meaning) baskets and scheduled activities all weekend that would bring a smile to all our faces. And what did my kids like most? Totally the unexpected.

It all started Saturday afternoon when - during quiet time - David and I took spools of yarn and made an obstacle course for each child, beginning at their beds. When they awoke, one at a time, each child went in search for their Easter basket, following their designated yarn as a guide. They loved the hunting and finding and were thoroughly thrilled upon finding their treasures. What surprised me was that they thought the spool of yarn was part of the gift and it quickly became their most prized possession. Soon Emma and Grace were creating Rapunzel wigs with their yarn and - standing on our grand staircase - calling out to their father to come and rescue them (maybe they've watched Tangled one too many times). Then Ashton tied the yarn to his monster trucks and started towing yarn remnants around the house like a tow truck. The creativity continued the following day when the girls decided to tuck their spools of yarn into their scripture bags and take it to church. In the middle of sacrament meeting, out came the yarn and the jewelry making began. In an hour, every one of us had multiple bracelets, rings and necklaces made of knotted yarn. They were so proud of their creations.

The Body Slamming Event began Saturday evening. After a day full of fun, we ended the evening with the kids eating some of their Easter candy while we watched a family flick. Out of no where, spontaneous body slamming began. First Ashton. Then Grace. And finally Emma. David and I were - of course - on the bottom, taking the brunt of every slam while the kids were giggling, whooping and hollering for more. As Gracelyn was jumping at the bottom of our bed, prepping for her next slam, she shouted, "THIS IS THE BEST. DAY. EVER!!!!"

It returned for a repeat performance Sunday evening. And - unfortunately for Mom and Dad - I don't see it going away soon.

Now isn't this interesting. I had spent all this time working out the details only to find that the most memorable and enjoyable activities were the ones that occurred unplanned and spontaneously. Isn't that Life, though? They say Life occurs when you've made other plans. Perhaps memories are like that, as well.

I need to live more in the moment, appreciating the littlest of things, and not be so distracted and focused on the grand ones. Because - more often than not - they really don't matter. And they are not what we remember most.

So here's to a new day. A day full of surprises, challenges, laughter and rewards just waiting to be discovered. And here's to making it the Best. Day. Ever.

The Take Away

Good Monday, my friends. It just feels like a Monday, doesn't it? All overcast, dreary and rainy. Oh well. I guess I'll have to thrive on the energy and light from last weekend.

The Power of Moms Retreat in Park City was amazing. Saturday especially. I was able to share our story of Grief, Healing and Hope and what we have learned from this experience (not even three months down the road). Just between us friends, I was more emotional than I wanted to be during my presentation. From the moment I held up Bennett's picture, I was a goner. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. But I was authentic. Entirely so (that's what I keep telling myself). And they saw my heart, as broken as it is. But I hope they also felt my Love, Hope and Faith. That was my goal, at least.

Some of my favorite take aways were:

• I love the Indian greeting Namaste (pronounced Nomis Day) meaning "I see the divine power in you". What a beautiful, profound greeting and recognition that we are ALL God's children.
  
• Serendipity - the state of mind whereby a person through Awareness and Sensitivity frequently finds something better than that which he was seeking . . . that's where I want to be.


• 3 things that help you be a deliberate mother: 1) spend 30 minutes every Sunday for personal planning 2) take a day away ALONE to plan, dream and rejuvenate 3)Be with other like minded mothers


• Lead a Life with Margins (read Restoring Margins to Overloaded Lives by Richard Swenson)


• Once a month, go out to dinner with David and have a Five Facet Review of all our children discussing their Physical, Mental, Emotional, Social and Spiritual well being.


• Write down our Family Laws (must be short, sweet and to the point)


• Create a Family Motto


• Teach Children Financial Responsibility - Give 10% to God, Save 20% in Bank and Live on the remaining 70% . . . a good lesson for us ALL!!!


• Make a Tradition Scrapbook listing our traditions for every month of the year and MAKE THEM HAPPEN! Memories matter and are one of the only things that last forever.


• Favorite new quote - "There is no comfort in the growth zone and there is no growth in the comfort zone." How true is THAT!?!


• Another great quote - "Spectacular achievement is always preceded by unspectacular preparation." Need I say more?


• Create a Vision Board with what you want to do and who you want to become (kinda sounds like The Secret, doesn't it?)


• Make SMART Goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timebound


• Be Deliberate vs. Routine, Present vs. Distracted and Thriving vs. Surviving

It really was THAT wonderful. After last week (okay, the last THREE months . . . who are we kidding?!?), I really needed to fill my well. And I did. It gave me just the fire I needed in my bones to come home and live deliberately and serendipitously.

Life is a Gift. Everyday. Now it's up to me to make it worthwhile and really make a difference in Myself, My family, My community and the world. It can happen. And I will make it so.

If you have built castles in the air, they need not be lost. Now just put foundations under them. (Thoreau)

Wednesday is . . .

• Garbage day
• Laundry day
• Grocery day
• Diet Dr. Pepper with Lemon day
• And a day full of storybooks, songs, animal crackers, cars and cuddles

Here's one of our favorites. Enjoy!

We're Back

We're back after taking a week

vacation in lovely San Diego. This afternoon we exchanged 70 degree weather for snow. Uhhh . . . what were we thinking?

It is good to be back, though. There really is no place like home. This week, I will share some of our favorite memories made as a family of five. Some were sweet, some were tender and some just brought tears to our eyes. But all together, it was a wonderful trip. We feel blessed to be able to get away and make some wonderful new memories. We need to fill our canteens as much as possible right now.

Hope you all had a great week! Cross your fingers that spring will be around the corner!

See you on Monday . . . xoxoxo

Sweet Dreams

Last night, I had a dream. A vivid dream. A dream of Bennett.

Bennett was back in my arms. I knew he had passed away but he had miraculously returned and I - appreciating him more than ever - held him closer and kissed him more than ever before (and THAT is saying A LOT). Things were better than ever and everything was back to normal.

Except for one thing. He didn't have any arms.

In the dream, I remember trying to give Bennett a dum dum sucker (one of his favorite treats) but not knowing whether to just put it in his mouth or hold it for him. This was a whole new challenge.

But I was eager to take on this challenge. Willingly and happily. Having him - in any form or condition - was better than not having him at all. I was grateful to hold him in my arms and cuddle him all the more. My heart felt whole once more and all was well in the world.

Since I awoke this morning, I've been thinking about (what was unfortunately just) my dream last night. Though it was a bit strange in hindsight, it seemed quite realistic at the time (aren't all dreams like that?). Though I don't believe ALL dreams have meaning, I believe that this one held particular significance for me.

Since his birth, Bennett has touched many with his amazingly loving, gentle and generous spirit. I remember one of my dearest friends coming to see him when he was only a few months old. When she held him for the first time, she began crying. "He is so special!" she said. "I can just feel the strength of his spirit as I look at him!" I knew this and his father had felt it as well. We knew this was an incredible human being with an amazing mission ahead but it was quite surreal to hear it from someone who had no previous experience with him. He was THAT powerful.

As Bennett's Mother, I would often wonder what the Lord had in mind for this little boy. What would he bring to the world? What was his mission? And what could I do to prepare him for his journey? I felt humbled and honored to be called to the task and to be a part of his precious life.

Enter January 22, 2011. Bennett suddenly passed away to the stunned amazement of us all. It was as if the air was completely knocked out of our lungs. What? When? How? It just didn't make sense! And to this day - almost three months later - we don't have a lot of answers. A lot of physical answers, that is. And I don't know if we ever will.

But this is what we are finding out. Bennett did have a mission. Both here and on the other side. And he fulfilled it here and is continuing to fill it there. But there is a part of his mission that continues to involve us, his loved ones that - for a time - have been left behind. We have been called to carry on his legacy and tell his story. His is a story of Love. His is a story of Light. And His is a story of Laughter. Now we are here to write the remaining chapters.

What will they be? Will they be filled with Hope, Faith, Gratitude and Joy? Or will they tainted tales of Bitterness, Anger and Resentment? Right now, we are his hands. We are here to tell the story he cannot tell. And we are hear to spread the message his sweet lips will not utter in this life.

But tell it we will. And we will not stop until everyone knows our story of Hope, understands our reason for Joy and is comforted with the news that Death is NOT the end. We WILL see our sweet children again. No goodbyes, just see you later's. That's our motto. And Later won't come soon enough.

So tonight, I recommit to telling our Sweet Bennett story once more. I have not chosen this path. It was chosen for me. And I feel called to share this message.

And share it I will.

I will be Bennett's hands and I will share our sweet story of Faith, Hope and Joy despite heartache, despite loss and in the face of profound grief and sorrow. And we will prevail. We will. And as a team, we will do what we need to do to be together again. Cause there ain't nothin' better than that.

Time for bed. 'Nigh 'nigh (as Bennett would say). And Sweet Dreams.

Spring Break

Spring Break is here and we could not be more ready for it. We have been hangin' on, puttin' one foot in front of the other, waiting for some rest and reprieve from the rigors of life. So this week long spring break is just what the doctor ordered. We will be playing, laughing, eating, sunbathing, swimming and doing all-things frolicky and fun. What a blessing. What a blessing.

In other news, wasn't General Conference fantastic!?! Holy cow. I couldn't believe how many addresses were tailored to our family. I am so grateful that inspired leaders got the memo on what our family needed ;0) Some of my favorites were from Jean A. Stevens and Richard G. Scott. Wow, could we relate. What a teacher Adversity can be.

My goals for today? Hold hands as much as possible, Wink at my sweetheart, Laugh even more, Snuggle each one of my babes and tell them why they are such an important part of our family and Capture as many of these moments as possible with a camera. I have learned (the hard way) of the importance of capturing life's images. They may be all you've got to remember the most tender everyday moments in your life.

Have a fabulous day, friends! xoxoxo

Weekend of Inspiration

When David and I were dating, I told him that he better be good to me because I was one of my Heavenly Father's "favorite girls." I hope everyone feels this way. As I have gotten older, I continue to feel His love and awareness through all the events of Life. I am a lucky girl.

This week was hard. Super hard. And I don't see the feelings we are feeling going away anytime soon. That said, Heaven knew this and has showered many blessings on me this weekend.

• Last night, David and I went with some of our dearest friends to see the musical "A Tale of Two Cities." Though a huge fan of Dickens, I was unfamiliar with the storyline of this particular show. HOOOOLY cow! What an amazingly moving story with complex twists and turns. In many ways, it mirrored "Les Mis" with themes of the French Revolution, loss, darkness, light, tragedy, hope, forgiveness, heartache, sacrifice and redemption. It was amazing. I must say - being unfamiliar with the storyline - that I was a bit unprepared for the small boy that was run over and killed by an Aristocrat carriage. Seeing his lifeless body carried by his father across the stage and put in a casket was a bit much for me (given our recent experiences). It unfortunately hit a little too close to home. But I am choosing to remember the themes of Hope, Light, Sacrifice and Redemption. It was truly a well done production. Bravo.
• This weekend, we have the privilege of hearing inspirational and faith promoting thoughts from inspired leaders. As a Mormon, we have a religious gathering broadcast around the world called General Conference. Twice a year (April/October), our leaders teach us principles of Faith, Hope, Forgiveness, Charity and Love. It is truly "living water" for this parched mommy's soul. I am looking forward to General Conference now more than ever. I so need to feel the Healing and Peace that comes only from a Divine source. I will be tuning in all weekend and praying to be in tune to the messages my Loving Heavenly Father will send me. (click here to join me)
• As my children begin their spring break, we have planned a week of family fun and memory making. I can't wait to let go of some of the cares of the world and turn our focus to the simple things: Laughing, Running, Playing, Tickling, Swimming, Eating and Loving together. We so need this time to replenish our souls. What a blessing.

Wishing you an inspiring weekend as well, sweet friends. xoxoxo

Grieving Can Be Messy

Shortly after Bennett's passing, our 3-year-old Ashton replaced his playtime with his brother with playing with his cars in my plants. Though it wouldn't have been MY first choice of "therapy", it has worked. He finds joy in getting his hands dirty and - though it can cause a mess on my carpet and couch - it is worth the clean up for now.

Bennett's passing has been our family's first experience dealing of profound loss. In 2008, my husband lost a brother to cancer and my grandfather passed away, but both situations we could see coming from a distance. In their cases, Death was a friend, releasing them from the prisons of their sick and weakened bodies. Yes, we missed them and Yes, no one will take their place but we acknowledged that our prayers were answered. They were no longer in pain and they felt peace.

Bennett's passing was of a different variety. He was 100% healthy - rarely getting sick - and then was gone. No labored breathing, no lethargicness, no discoloration, no incoherent behavior. And in oh-so-many ways, that was a blessing. We had him 100% for 19 3/4 months. Every. Single. Second. And yet, his death side swiped us in a way I can't even put into words. To say it rocked our world would be the understatement of the century. And yet miraculously, it has not made me question my faith. Not for a minute. But it HAS brought up questions regarding my faith and our family's healing. What more can I do to bring a feeling of Peace in our Home? What changes do I need to make in my life to be worthy of seeing Bennett again? How can I best meet the needs of my children who - in their own ways - are reeling from the loss of their brother? When do I let things slide and when do I follow up with natural consequences when my children are acting out? So many questions, still finding answers.

What I HAVE found is that grieving can be messy. It doesn't follow a timeline and it happens differently with everyone. While my toddler has struggled from the get go and has digressed in many ways, my older girls have been more resilient and open with their grief. And yet, in the last week, there have been changes in one child that I don't know how to handle. I am learning that Grief is not a destination but a road. A long road that we will continue to walk for the rest of our lives. Our family needs to find constructive and healthy ways to deal with these big feelings we are feeling. Feelings that - at times - seem bigger than ourselves. And yet, as we learn how to deal with them appropriately, we can progress down our pathway of healing.

I have also learned that Grief and Mourning are work. Hard work. And can be very exhausting. While wading through its strong current, we have found it important so simplify our lives in any way possible. Taking a few months off from a church responsibility, postponing dance lessons until this summer or fall, canceling harp lessons for a time, picking our social situations carefully and not letting ourselves feel obligated or pressured to do anything. Our focus is Healing. End of sentence.

However, that can be easier said than done. Many people give you a month or so to grieve and then - after a time - expect you to be 100% back. "Are you feeling better now?" some have asked. "Do you feel like you are over it?" Over it? How can I be OVER it? Do you EVER get over people you love? Do you outgrow your need or your love for your children? NO! We are learning how to go forward. How to continue to find Joy, Happiness and Laughter without Bennett. And - at times - that is hard. Really hard. In fact, as time has passed, the reality of our sitution is beginning to sink in. This IS real. This IS our new life. And this ISN'T going away.

Breathe.

And yet, he IS with us. We feel him. No, it's not the same as holding his sweet little body in our arms or seeing him shuffle across the kitchen floor with the broom, trying to sweep it for Mommy. But - for now - it will have to do. And we're holding on to the promise of eternal families to fulfill the rest.

So, for now, we'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll remember, we'll play, we'll talk, we'll walk, we'll cuddle, we'll find the help we need and we'll dream of the day when we'll all be reunited again, knowing that it WILL happen. It will.

And Healing will come with time. Messy or not.

A Little Shout Out

Watch more video of 2011 NCAA Wrestling Championships on flowrestling.org

Just had to brag a bit about my brother. Ben is wrestling at the NCAA Tournament right now in Philadelphia. He has won his first three matches (this morning's was the quarter finals) and wrestles the #1 seed Robles TONIGHT on ESPN at 7 pm eastern. Tune in for an amazing semifinal match between two people who have overcome great odds to achieve success. Ben with a syndrome that has demanded multiple reconstructive surgeries and Robles who was born with one leg. This will be THE match of the tournament.

I guarantee it.

And you know I'll be a Green Wolverine.

P.S. Here's a clip of an interview done yesterday with Ben after he upset the #4 seed. He's such a stud.

Defying Gravity

It's interesting how the Lord tenderly prepares you for tragedy in your life. Of course, this you only see in hindsight.

After publishing a few articles on the Power of Moms website last fall, I heard about their Learning Circles. After doing a bit of research, I thought it would be fabulous to start a group in my area. I started gathering a list of women I thought would be interested in reading and discussing an article a month on how to be better Women and Mothers. As I began compiling the list, I was amazed how guided I felt. I would add a name or two and would feel uneasy and than after mixing it up a bit, I felt peace. I wasn't expecting this. This was a discussion group, for goodness sakes! And yet, when the list was finalized, I was not surprised to find that nearly every one of them was not only interested but ecstatic! Some even considered it an answer to prayer. What a win/win.

So January came. We decided to meet for the first time Tuesday, January 18th. The article for the month - "Defying Gravity." Everyone came at 7 for appetizers/dessert and talking time and then we moved onto the article discussion at about 7:45. I was happily surprised how well everyone mixed and mingled. Like they had always been friends. God's hand was in this Learning Circle. I knew it.

By the time we got to the article discussion, friendships were budding and trust was building and so others felt comfortable sharing their "gravity defying" life experiences. The discussion was incredible. It lifted my soul and encouraged me to step outside my box, dream big, believe in God and myself and soar. We all committed to having a gravity defying experience in the next month that we would report on in February. We left stoked and ready to take on ANY challenge that came our way. We. Were. Invincible.

Friday night, three days later, I put my Bennett to bed after having a Family Game Night. We walked up the stairs cuddling as we sang his "Bennett Song" (sung to the tune "The Farmer in the Dell").

I love you, Bennett Boy

You are my Pride and Joy

I love you, Little Bennett

I love my Bennett Boy!

That week, he had just started singing the last word of each phrase with me (Boy, Joy, Boy). He was so proud of himself.

After laying him down on his little boppy, smothering him with kisses and pulling up his blanket to his chin, he rested his sweet, small hands atop the fuzzy blankie. Then - as always - he waved his little hand while saying"nigh nigh. nigh nigh." This continued as he visually followed me out of the room and even after I closed the door in the hallway. His little voice warmed my heart and I remember thinking that Heaven must be like this moment.

The next morning we learned that Bennett had peacefully passed away during the night in his sleep.

That Saturday, I experienced the most gravity inducing moment of my life. It felt as if my entire world was crashing down on me. I couldn't believe this was happening to us. Not Bennett! Not OUR baby! How could I live with this pain I was feeling? How could I breathe? How was I to tell his remaining three siblings that Bennett wouldn't be coming back? I didn't know you could hurt this much and still be alive.

And yet, I was. And now, I am.

I have learned much about Defying Gravity the last 8 weeks. I have learned that Defying Gravity can mean something different each day. Sometimes that means getting out of bed and taking a shower. Other days, it may be picking out a headstone for your child. On better days, it may be having a good cry with a friend over lunch or laughing with your sister until your sides hurt. And - most often - it probably is playing cars with my 3 year old, since he lost his best friend and playmate. To do lists fall by the wayside. Projects become secondary. And mealtimes may consist of cold cereal and fruit (for those who don't know me, I am a foodie that typically LOVES experimenting in the kitchen but that is currently on the backburner). But that's okay. Our reality has been redefined and everyday is full of "firsts." And so - for a time - Life may have to wait while we. just. breathe.

Last friday evening, I had a full circle moment. Heather - one of my dearest friends and a member of our Learning Circle - was in a Broadway concert at a nearby concert hall. After our January challenge, she decided to do something that was hard for her. One of those things was trying out for a solo with the performing group she is a part of. A few weeks ago, she learned that she was given the "Defying Gravity" solo. How ironic is that? So Friday evening, I went with my sister to watch my friend experience her own "Defying Gravity" moment. It. Was. Magical.

Today, I'm going to have another Defying Gravity moment. I'm taking my 3 year old on a full grocery shopping trip for the first time since Bennett's death. And we are going to choose the grocery cart with the 2-kid car on the front. We haven't used that cart in more than 8 weeks but we are going to use it today. Yes, I will notice that it is 1/2 empty and Yes, it will bring back tender memories of the last time I went grocery shopping with my two boys. But we are doing it. We are doing it. And in doing hard things, I am becoming stronger and stronger every day. I will never "get over" Bennett. You never outgrow your love or need for your children. But we will go forward. We will. And in going forward, we will honor Bennett and our quest to be a "happy eternal family." We WILL laugh. We WILL live. We WILL love. And we WILL do hard things.

And - in doing so - we WILL Defy Gravity.

Let the Sun Shine In

In the summer of 2000, I had the fortune of studying in Israel for the summer. It was a life changing experience. I could write an entire book about the changes that took place within the chambers of my heart during my months in Israel, Egypt and Jordan. But - for now - a fun and quirky memory will have to suffice.

Summers in the said near eastern countries are stifling, dry and treacherous. They are surely not for the faint of heart. And - in the heat of the desert - we would spend hours on buses taking us from one dry and sandy location to another. To pass the time away, me and my BYU-Jeru buddies would conjure up various activities/games to pass the time away. One of them was singing songs together. One of our favorites became a song that my dear friend Aimee - a ray of Light herself - taught us. It was an expanded version of "You Are My Sunshine" but funked up a bit. I loved it and it soon became our favorite "go to" round song. The lyrics are as follows:

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are gray

You'll never know dear

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away.

You are my ever lovin' baby

You are my everything

You make me oh so very happy

When skies are gray, and by the way

You'll never know how much I love you

How much I need you when you're gone

Please don't take my Sunshine away.

So let the sunshine in

Face it with a grin

Smilers never lose

And frowners never win

So let the sun shine in

Face it with a grin

Open up your heart

And let the sun shine in.

Fast forward a decade. I am married, have four children of my own and have experienced MANY adventures since my summer in Jerusalem. But the upbeat tune of yesteryear has been passed down to my sweet children and has become one of our favorite sing along songs. In particular, it has become an endearing tune sung specifically to my toddler - Bennett - whom we call our "Sunshine Boy." Wherever he goes there is Love, Light and Laughter. He is literally Sunshine personified. What a Gift.

Then the unexpected occurs. Amid our blue skies of promise bursting with rays of warmth and light, we experience a turbulent storm. On January 22, 2011, we awoke to learn that our Sweet Sunshine Boy had passed away in his sleep. We were dumbfounded, shocked, heartbroken and numb. How could this be? How could we live our lives without him? How could we go on?

And yet, in the eye of the storm, we experienced a Peace that surpassed ALL understanding. Did we know WHY Bennett passed away? No. Did we know HOW he passed away? Negative. But - in our darkest hours - we DID feel lifted in a way one can only understand if they have experienced it themselves. We knew a loving, tender Father in Heaven was aware of us and that we were not alone. We have felt of his Love and have been warmed by His Light. And it gives us the strength to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

And so, our story continues. We are new on this path but we are on a journey of healing as we strive to Love, Laugh, Learn and Live Amid Life's Storms. Each moment brings with it varied emotions, but as we let each feeling come and go like a passing storm front, somehow it ebbs and flows more gently. And with each ache, we are reminded of how much we adored and cherished each day of his 20 short months here on earth. And we cling to the promise of being with Bennett again. Forever.

So come with me. You may/may not have "lost" a child, but perhaps you've experienced heartache, disappointment and the loss of a dream. In this way, we are the same. Though everyone grieves differently, there are many similarities in the human experience. And if we take this rocky road together - hand in hand - we may not only find companionship, but we will be reminded that we are not alone. Many have walked this path before and many more will follow. The purpose? It is in the muddiest of times that we discover what we are made of and that - even IF we are living our worst case scenerio - we can come out standing, breathing and stronger than ever before. And THAT is the miracle.

So, though I have since learned that not all the words to my beloved "Sunshine" song are accurate ("smilers never lose and frowners never win"), I do celebrate the phrase that has now become one of my mantras:

So let the sun shine in

Face it with a grin . . .

Open up your heart

And let the Sunshine in.

And so I'm opening up my heart with the hopes that - in doing so - healing will come to me, my family and someone else who is in need. And that - maybe as I help others - the Lord will allow me to feel a little more of my SONshine with me.

Welcome, friends. Welcome.