It's strange how your mind takes facts from your life and twists them into a storyline in your dreams. They may or may not make sense when you wake up but when you are sleeping, they are oh-so-real.My dream began last night on some kind of a home tour. We were preparing to build a home (which we are) and I was checking out homes for building ideas (like I have). I was at some kind of a luxury estate, perusing the grounds and checking out the lush, manicured landscaping. The oversized french doors opened immediately into a large, opulent pool in back. It looked stunning. I added "pool" to my wishlist.
As I continued to explore the grounds, I got swept up in my intrigue. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes to hours. Soon I looked around. Where were my children? I quickly looked around me. To the right. To the left. OH! There was Emma in the distance. And was that Gracie with her? Yes. Yes, it was. Now where could the boys be? My heart started to thump loudly within my chest. I ran toward the hedged pathway. There was Ashton, playing happily in the dirt. But where was Bennett, I asked?
"I no know," said Ashton.
Panic started settling in. Where was my baby? Then the thought of the pool came to mind. Fear pulsed through me as I ran toward the pristine turquoise waters. There . . . there on the cool, crisp surface was my baby, floating face down.
What happened from there is a blur.
I awoke this morning in a panic. I had sweat pulsing down my back and my breath was quickened. Though the circumstances were different, the feelings were the same. Panic, helplessness, disbelief, shock and grief. All feelings that hit a little too close to home.
Sometimes I'm mad at my mind. I'm mad at it for continuing to play tricks on me. To make me relive the feelings of this indescribable nightmare time and time again. Isn't enough enough? Sometimes its just too much.
So today, I need to go to my happy place. I need to focus on things that bring me joy, peace and healing. I can't control what my brain purges in my sleep at night, but I DO have control of how I think when I am awake. And so I'm going to do every thing I can to spend my time and energy on thoughts and feelings of Light, Progression and Joy.
Bennett would want it that way.
Oh Amanda! My heart pounded when reading this. Dreams can be oh so real--and I cannot imagine having to relive those same feelings again in such an mentally intimate way.
ReplyDeleteI hope that your day becomes brighter;)
Oh...not fair. You already lived through such a hard thing. I hope you never have a dream like that again. Sorry hun. I hope your day is amazing and full of fun. Sending our love to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteive had dreams like that where i hate them hate them. only difference I dont know for myself those feelings in full. I am so sorry you do and had to relive them even if only for a moment.
ReplyDeletewhat do you need right now?
How awful. That dream is brutal. Dreams have haunted me for much of my life. I Have thought about it a lot lately as to why I have morbid dreams. I can't imagine the reliving of your nightmare though. I'm so sorry. Prayers sent your way that your dreams will be calm and healing. Loves to you.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that mostly, the depth of anguish in a heart can not be spoken in words, but somehow, the agonizing words you have written on this page beat with the grief and loss you have endured. The Lord knows the heart wrenching panic and unbearable pain that your horrifying dream has forced you to relive. I pray that God mercifully draw those dreams away and hold you in the palm of His hand while you sleep so that all you feel is warmth and comfort.... that His peace fill your heart and comfort you always until that day when He who now holds Bennett tenderly in His hand calls you home to be together forever once again.
ReplyDeleteSometimes to turn off the brain would be the best sleep drug out there.
ReplyDeleteI hate this dream. I wish you pretty ones tonight.
Oh, I'm so sorry ... just so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am sooo sorry! I hate those kinds of dreams. I seems so unfair after what you've already had to endure in real life. I hope that tonight you will dream of sunshine, lollipops and rainbows! :) LOVES to you!
ReplyDeleteTif
I actually too some time to study about dreams, because mine were always so fascinating and I would like to share with you one of the things I know to be true. I also found it fascinating that we had to sleep, not just rest or sit... but a deep unconscious sleep, so I looked for answers.
ReplyDeleteWhen you fall asleep at night you go through these REM, each is different and serves a different purpose. But sleep is like the re-boot button for our brain and body. It is a time where our unconscious can release our emotions and thoughts and a time for our body to allow healing to occur so our immune system can be restored. Combined these two facts, your body is healing, your brain is healing, your emotions are healing, your brain is fully processing things that it couldn't do when your consciousness is too busy distracting you with other things through out the day.
I am sooooooooo sorry to hear about the sad and bad dream, that truly is hard! But just think of it as you wanting to heal and continue to march on, but there are still parts of you that need to do it fully with out any distractions. No tricks, just healing!
I hope this helps. I am never sure if the comments I leave you are positive, but that is my intention and I hope it comes across to you in that manner!