I am a Sweetheart to One and a Mommy to Four Loveable Babes, one of which is smiling down on us from Heaven. I am learning to dance in the rain. Come with me on my journey as I make the most out of Life's mud puddles.

Put on your rain boots. Great adventure lies ahead.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Love and Thanks

I just wanted to thank you for your love and support. It's really quite amazing.

Have I ever told you how this blog came to fruition? Well, perhaps I should.

The night following Bennett's death I could not sleep. We were sleeping at my parent's home (they had not ruled out environmental factors yet) and - surrounded by my three remaining children and husband in a king size bed - I laid in bed shaking and weeping. I can't do this! I thought. This is too much for me. Ask anything but this. ANYTHING!

Unable to sleep, I went into my parents bathroom around 2 am to take a bath. They called me into their bed and together we held each other and just cried like our hearts were breaking. Because they were. When I felt too weak to cry any more, I dragged myself to the bathroom and slid into their clawfoot tub. I sat there, face heavenward, asking the Lord what He wanted of me. The answer came softly, clearly and suddenly. Write a blog about your journey.

Now, you must understand that - though I HAVE been writing a blog for nearly three years - it is PRIVATE and I am extremely careful who I add to my blog list. I wanted to protect my children, protect my family and share amongst people I knew and trusted. So the prompting to start a blog that narrated the most personal and painful journey of my life was a bit scary. I fought it (of course). But - when the promptings would not cease - finally reserved the blog address "a mothers grief observed." Time passed. We spent lots of time at the mortuary holding Bennett, making hand molds, taking lots of pictures and enjoying having him in our home one last time (following his first viewing) before his burial. Then we celebrated his light and life at his funeral the following day, testified of God's Love and Plan and then buried our baby. It was surreal, to say the least.

Weeks passed. And amid all the changes and investigations, the prompting continued. Write a blog about your journey. Only the impression became more specific on what the focus should be. Hope. Hope, was the prevailing impression. Testify of Hope. And thus the birth of Sunshine Promises. A blog whose subtitle says it all: Love, Laugh, Learn and Live Amid Life's Storms.

Now - just over a month old - my humble little blog has reached places and people I could have never imagined. In that short time, we have had over 36,000 hits and I have had the privilege of hearing others stories of inspiration, faith, healing and loss that have bolstered my own spirits. I don't know how people have found my blog and I don't know how the word has spread so fast. But it has. And I guess I should not be surprised given the fact that it was not MY idea. It was His.

Now as we have entered a new chapter of our grief (and a difficult one at that), I must thank you for how your thoughts, love and prayers have bolstered my little family. This is tough and it means more than you know. I would not wish this heartache upon a n y o n e , but if it were to happen to us (which is has), I am grateful that a loving Heavenly Father saw fit to set up an infrastructure of support for this heartbroken, aching mother. Will there be peace, joy, gratitude and love? You bet. But there will also be hard, difficult and even angry feelings. And that is okay. It is all a part of the journey. And - in the end - all will be made whole. Our hearts included.

21 comments:

  1. Wow Mandy! Thank you for sharing. Your friend could not have captured those moments more perfectly. What a beautiful video and keepsake for your family. We love you guys! Please know you are still frequently in our thoughts and prayers!

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  2. Amanda that was so precious! What a wonderful and talented friend you have. So glad that she was able put that video together for you and your sweet family! We continue to pray for your family! You amaze me everytime I read a new post! What an example you are to me! Thanks!

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  3. You have a gift to uplift amidst your trial. Thank you for listening to the promptings to serve all of us. I know it's not easy, I can't begin to relate but what I do know is that you are one of the most powerful and amazing individuals that I have ever had the privilege of knowing and you are sharing that amazing gift now with the world and influencing thousands along the way. You are a gift!

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  4. That video is an absolute treasure! I cried as I pictured a daughter with a broken heart in the bed of her parents. I love your parents. I also love knowing how this blog came about. Thank you for sharing.

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  5. What beautiful memories to treasure of your extended family together to celebrate Bennett - I love the imagery of the balloons going up - lifting higher and you all looking - there, heavenward - where he is.

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  6. Oh Amanda! I am so glad you listened and are listening to that still small voice! There is no end to the good and healing and testimony you are sharing and spreading. Thank you for taking the courage to do what you did not want to do and instead do as God directs. What an amazing blessing to all and I SO HEART that it is blessing you back in return! I pray many hands and voices lift you. Thank heaven for those across the world that are also comforting you as you comfort them and all of us. You my friend are a woman of courage, a woman of faith, and truly in every essence of the word a beautiful, pure, daughter of God! The seeds of divinity in you are so obvious to me. It is an encouragement and an uplift. Bless you! You ever stand as a witness of God.

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  7. What special memories...You have such great writing talents, and I am sure your blog is yet to touch countless...Thank you for touching my life continually!
    Love Jenny B.

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  8. Thank you for posting this. I can't say anything except this is amazing. What an amazing gift your friend gave you. I'm sitting here in tears, watching it, because I remember the service of my baby, and what a ball of emotions I had. I too am grateful for a friend who took pictures for us, so we will always remember. You have an amazing family. Thank you for being my inspiration of positivity and hope.

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  9. Mandy,
    I have been following your journey through this terrible time on Facebook and now your blog. My heart hurts for you and your entire family as you pass through each day without your baby; but I appreciate your willingness to share your struggles through your blog. It is a wonderful reminder to me what it is important and makes me want to live my life differently. Thank you for taking on this difficult challenge. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.
    Jen Neeleman

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  10. Absolutely beautiful. I can't stop crying and think I have watched it 10 times already. What a great friend to capture all of that for you.

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  11. Since I have found your blog, I find myself checking it daily. And the thing is, I don't even know you, but I'm so inspired by your strength. Thank you for following your prompting to share your journey with us. I have learned so much, and your blog offers me hope and a much-needed shift in perspective.

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  12. Thank you for sharing this. My heart broke as I saw your sweet Bennett Baby and held his hand. I was reminded of our last moments with Jack. Oh...I am so sorry, but so grateful for your strength. You will help more people than you will have ever have imagined. Keep going. Keep writing. Loves to you! Tiff Rich (Jack's mom)

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  13. what a beautiful video - amazing images, memories and moments with your sweet family, loved ones and friends. seeing your family with Bennett was beautiful - the love in those tender touches and kisses was powerful to witness.

    thank you for sharing this journey - it is a powerful journey you are sharing although at times more hard than most of us will ever fully understand. I shared your story of faith and hope with my daughter's teacher yesterday on the anniversary of a fire that took her parents 3 years ago. We had an amazing chat about faith, family and angels...those that are awaiting us and are looking over us every moment of this life. much of what I said came from seeing you have courage to talk about how hard this is, and that we really do need to learn better how to mourn with those that mourn.

    You are an instrument my lovely friend.

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  14. Love to you, Amanda. XOXO You are going to make such a difference at the Power of Moms Retreat this weekend. I can't think of a better way to help moms feel the importance of their work than by hearing your beautiful, courageous, yet incredibly challenging experiences.

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  15. Beautiful tribute! My tears are flowing freely as I ponder your love and pain. Those eyelashes are amazing and add to his angelic face. I have loved him so much and miss him. I pain for the tough times you and your family have faced and will face. I joy in the way you have shared your experience with the world. You will truly touch many lives for years to come. Love and hugs!!

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  16. Oh.my. Absolutely beautiful tribute. What a blessing to have this visual witness of such love.

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  17. As a mother ripe with child, this made my heartache. I wish so badly you had all the answers and I wish even more so that I could do something, anything to ease your pain.

    XOXOXO

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  18. I made the mistake of watching the video while at work... I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out, hoping no one comes into my office...
    What a beautiful tribute to the love and life of your little one. Thank you for sharing it with us.

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  19. your blog moved me in a way i cannot express. your strength, courage, love, faith and overwhelming desire to see the good is unbelievably inspiring. my heart goes out to you and your wonderful family. i'm sure bennett is be truly honored and proud of his mama.

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  20. Amanda,
    Thank you for sharing such a personal story. You inspire me with your commitment to do what the Lord asks even when it is really, really hard. My love and prayers to you every day.
    Sara

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Thank you for being a part of my journey. I appreciate your supportive and healing comments. Here's to a Promise of Sunshine!