Sunday, April 10, 2011
Never Say Never
I am learning so much on this journey. One thing I am being reminded of is to Never Say Never. I have said many times that I never want to ask why and I never want to be angry. Well, I am doing both today and - for now - that's okay.
In all it's rawness, this is where I am at:
I am angry that I am writing a Life History for my son whose Life barely began.
I am angry that I don't know what Bennett's favorite color is.
I am angry that Ashton is alone in our church's nursery again (we live in a more established area and our family is the only home-owning young family in our congregation).
I am angry that we were investigated - for TWO MONTHS - for Bennett's death.
I am angry that the county prosecutor "felt comfortable" not pressing charges against us. Seriously? Wow.
I am angry that the autopsy report reads like a recipe. This is my baby, folks. My baby.
I am angry that I have to tell my 3 year old multiple times a day that his brother is not coming back.
I am angry that I have to find my daughter in a fetal position behind the couch sobbing that she misses her brother so much it hurts.
I am angry that I never captured Bennett sweeping the floor on video or camera.
I am angry that I have to go through the stresses of selling a home when we are just trying to put one foot in front of another.
I am angry that Grief feels like a nonstop PMS train. This is SO not fun.
I am angry that I have a closetful of spring/summer clothes that will not be worn by Bennett.
I am angry that I won't be looking for matching boys Easter outfits.
I am angry that I never had a birthday party for Bennett.
I am angry that we are having to deal with behavioral issues with my children since Bennett's death.
I am angry that I don't have a family picture with the six of us.
I am angry that I have friends that have dropped off the face of the earth simply because they don't know what to say.
I am angry that I have probably been "one of those friends" in another's time of need.
I am angry that people keep trying to remind me that Families are Forever. I am aware of that promise and I am grateful for it. It's what keeps us going every moment of every day. But this. still. sucks. Period. Don't try and tell me it's okay.
I am angry that this hole in our family is something we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives.
And - most of all - I am angry at myself for feeling this way.
Lesson learned again, I guess. Never Say Never.