Tuesday, July 19, 2011
It's strange how your mind takes facts from your life and twists them into a storyline in your dreams. They may or may not make sense when you wake up but when you are sleeping, they are oh-so-real.
My dream began last night on some kind of a home tour. We were preparing to build a home (which we are) and I was checking out homes for building ideas (like I have). I was at some kind of a luxury estate, perusing the grounds and checking out the lush, manicured landscaping. The oversized french doors opened immediately into a large, opulent pool in back. It looked stunning. I added "pool" to my wishlist.
As I continued to explore the grounds, I got swept up in my intrigue. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes to hours. Soon I looked around. Where were my children? I quickly looked around me. To the right. To the left. OH! There was Emma in the distance. And was that Gracie with her? Yes. Yes, it was. Now where could the boys be? My heart started to thump loudly within my chest. I ran toward the hedged pathway. There was Ashton, playing happily in the dirt. But where was Bennett, I asked?
"I no know," said Ashton.
Panic started settling in. Where was my baby? Then the thought of the pool came to mind. Fear pulsed through me as I ran toward the pristine turquoise waters. There . . . there on the cool, crisp surface was my baby, floating face down.
What happened from there is a blur.
I awoke this morning in a panic. I had sweat pulsing down my back and my breath was quickened. Though the circumstances were different, the feelings were the same. Panic, helplessness, disbelief, shock and grief. All feelings that hit a little too close to home.
Sometimes I'm mad at my mind. I'm mad at it for continuing to play tricks on me. To make me relive the feelings of this indescribable nightmare time and time again. Isn't enough enough? Sometimes its just too much.
So today, I need to go to my happy place. I need to focus on things that bring me joy, peace and healing. I can't control what my brain purges in my sleep at night, but I DO have control of how I think when I am awake. And so I'm going to do every thing I can to spend my time and energy on thoughts and feelings of Light, Progression and Joy.
Bennett would want it that way.