I have to be honest. I've hit a rough patch lately. A place where my heart hurts so much, my feelings are so raw and where I just feel so vulnerable I can barely function. Along with this, we are experiencing some massive life changes in our family. Little things like going through Bennett's items once more and packing away the belongings and memories of the only house we have ever shared with him. Moving is tough ANY time. But three months after you've lost a child? It's brutal.
And yet we do it because we feel it is best for our family.
Multiple things have happened lately that have reminded me how wounded I still am, how soon it still is and how long this road will be. Case in point, yesterday at the doctor's office. While checking in our 3rd child with strep, the nurse asked me if I wanted to set up an appointment for Bennett's 2nd birthday health and wellness check. I stood there, dumbfounded, feeling like I had just been kicked in the gut. I managed to say no before tears started falling and immediately grabbed Ashton's hand and led him to the waiting area where "Tangled" was playing. While he became engrossed in the tale of Rapunzel, I sat next to him, my shoulders shaking with sobs. In the fog of it all, I heard Rapunzel singing her signature song in the background:
Flower, gleam and glow
Let your power shine
Make the clock reverse
Bring back what once was mine
What once was mine
Heal what has been hurt
Change the fates' design
Save what has been lost
Bring back what once was mine
What once was mine
While the song of this cartoon character told a much different story, in that instant, it echoed the feelings of my heart. Bring back what once was mine. What once was mine.
Now, don't get me wrong. I KNOW Bennett was mine for nearly 20 months, is mine now and will be mine forever. But somehow in that waiting room of frazzled, sleep deprived mothers of toddlers, I wanted to be one of them and wondered why that couldn't be me. I SHOULD be taking him in for his Health and Wellness Check. I SHOULD be planning a birthday party for him this month. I SHOULD be worrying about getting all vaccinations complete. And yet, for his birthday he is getting a headstone, we are setting off balloons at his grave and I am packing his precious belongings into a hope chest. Not exactly what I planned.
So today I am going to Run Away. Run away from the realities of it all. I don't know where I will go or how I will get there but these eyes, this mind and this heart just need a break.
It's too much. It's just too much.
Oh Amanda...I KNOW exactly. The first time I watched Tangled that song brought me to tears...then when she gets to see her parents for the first time in years....All I could do was picture what it will be like when MY day comes to see my little Jack.
ReplyDeleteI'll run away with you!! In the beginning of our journey after losing Jack...I really did try to "run" away from it all (just on a little jogs of course) but sometimes it was the only way I could function. I didn't care that I cried nearly most of the time while I ran. But it did help.
I wish I could take some of your pain away. I know it's hard. Something that YOU AND YOUR SWEET HUSBAND should NEVER have had to deal with. But know that you are never alone. I know we've never met, but I think of you all of time wish that we somehow lived closer so I could at least hug you! I think you are amazing! Absolutely AMAZING!!
Loves,
Tif
(Jack's mom)
When our daughter, Jessica, tiptoed into the arms of the angels it was tough going and I couldn't bring myself to pack up her clothes. After a couple years a very dear friend came over and asked me if she could take Jessica's clothes and make them into a quilt for me. I love that quilt. I can just wrap myself up in it and cherish my memories. Perhaps this is something that you might do or ask friends to do for you.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the running away but want you to know that after a while your gratitude for having had Bennett will outweight your grief. Today you are in my prayers.
Warmly,
Tricia
Oh Mandy, I am so sorry. Sorry that you have to sit in a waiting room and cry alone. If you want to run, you can always run to Las Vegas and stay with us. I know the pain will follow, but maybe a change of scenery might help. I can't believe you have to move in the midst of all this. That in and of itself is overwhelming. I wish I lived closer so that I could help. My mom just told me that your family isn't coming to Lake Powell in June. I am so, so sad. I would love nothing more than to see you and meet your adorable little kiddos. To give you the huge hug I've been saving for you. To reconnect with one of my favorite friends of long ago! I get it though. Know you will be missed. I love you. I hope tomorrow is better than today.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. My heart aches for you and knowing what you are going through. This is such a long journey, and sometimes it is only hills we have to get to the top of, and other times it's sheer cliff walls! My thoughts and prayers are with you!
ReplyDeleteThere aren't any right words to say. I do hope you can run away for a time. I wish you could literally just run to the Savior's arms and sob and that he would embrace you and comfort you as Carl Bloch painted the angel embracing and comforting Him in His darkest hours. (http://www.lemaze-studio.com/canvas/351002-1513163.htm) My wish is that you could stay wrapped in His arms until He makes you whole again... until you can bare to go forward again. That you can find His balm of gilead.
ReplyDelete"It was known as the Balm of Gilead. That name became symbolic for the power to soothe and heal.
The lyrics of a song record:
There is a Balm in Gilead,
To make the wounded whole,
There is a Balm in Gilead,
To heal the sin sick soul. (no sin of course, but your poor heartsick soul)
-President Packer
I love you and I sob for you dear friend, dear sister.
“And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever;
“Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.
“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” (John 14:16–18.)
Aches ... may HE be near to you! May you be granted the gift to run away if only in tiny ways as you need. May you be able to run to His embrace and feel his healing balm!!! But until that time comes and the healing is ever so painful and slow... know you have hundreds if not more who love you and cheer and sob for you. You are amazing Amanda! You're SO beautiful inside and out and I ache for you and cry for you. BLESS YOU! God Bless you!
So, so sorry dear friend. I put your name in the temple on Friday and you have been in my thoughts and prayers every day. Please know how much you are loved!
ReplyDeleteLove Jenny B.
when I feel that way. I really do run. Walking, then running, the moving, the rhythm, the stillness, it is meditation. Perhaps try it. Drop Ashton off at a friends, and go for a hike, a walk, a jog. Run and replenish Amanda. Love you.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Amanda!!! My heart breaks for the sadness and sorrow that are yours! I pray for peace in your heart today and the loving arms of our Heavenly Father surround you. Love, kisses, hugs!
ReplyDeleteAmanda may you find peace wrapped in the arms of Jesus.
ReplyDeleteOh Mandy, my heart dropped after reading about how the woman asked to set Bennett's appointment. I can imagine those are the things that sting deeply. You are in my prayers. Loves to you.
ReplyDeleteMandy, my heart is breaking for you as I read your blog today. I am sure that there are reminders around every corner, unexpected things that just rip your heart out and scream over and over that little Bennett has passed on. I am so sorry. I can not even fathom the depth of pain you and your family is going through because I have never lost a child. I only hope that with time the pain will ease a bit with the grace of our Heavenly Father. Love you tons and pray for you often.
ReplyDeleteAlthough we have never met I feel your pain and wanting to run away. My second son was born still at 36 weeks in December. I know the pain that I live with everyday and I cannot imagine losing a child. We lost Mason with no real reason...he just needed to go back to his Heavenly Father. Today as I sat in the waiting room for my 3 year olds well check their were two moms also waiting with their babies. They looked to be about 5 months old...thats how old Mason would be now. I to wanted to be the tiered, worn out mom with a new born. But alas I sit empty handed like you. You are in my prayers and I hope you were able to find some comfort today and run away for a while.
ReplyDeleteThe kids watched that on Sunday evening together. I just bawled. Brenda wouldn't even watch it.
ReplyDeleteHard times keep coming - they get easier, but even after more than a year, there are nights I'll stay up until 3:30 just sobbing. It's a pretty crappy club to belong to.
im so sorry. we love you. I wish I had something that was better to say or more profound or more healing but I dont. We just love you and IM so sorry you have to go through this. Its not fair.
ReplyDeleteOh how my heart is breaking for you!! I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but through reading your blog, I can tell that you are a strong and beautiful daughter of God. Hang in there, I know He is there holding you and loving you. As I'm sure you do, just cling to your faith. Our Heavenly Father will ALWAYS be there for you. You are totally AMAZING and such a great example.
ReplyDeleteHugs!!!
I am so, so sorry. My heart aches for you, and I really wish there was a way that I could share your burden with you so that you would not feel so alone. Do something that you love to do. Try something that you have wanted to try. Heavenly Father knows your heart, he knows your grief. He has engraven you on the palms of His hands.
ReplyDeleteAll I can really say is I understand.
ReplyDeleteI too am an "Angel mom". I had a similar experience with my baby girl. She passed away unexpectedly when she was six days old. A week later I got a call from the pediatrician's office wanting to schedule her two week check-up....Crushing. I was so angry that the pediatrician's office didn't know she had died. Shouldn't there be some line of communication between the hospital and their office? One of the first questions the hospital wants to know is who the pediatrician is. Anyway, when I read your post all those feelings came rushing back and I am so sorry that you had to feel them too. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteMelica (Hailey's mom)
Yes, give your heart a break.. Take time and let everything flood and consume you. If it wasn't natural then Heavenly Father would not have given us emotions. It is healthy and normal! Get lost in a fantasy I.e. Tangled... Your soul with thank you! I love Bennett and I never even met him. Thank you for sharing!!
ReplyDeleteOh Amanda. My heart breaks for you. I know that feeling of just wanting a break from the constant pain and the very real physical suffereing of your heart. I will pray that the Lord will give you a few moments of relief. I love you my dear sister. It's just one day, one moment at a time.
ReplyDeleteOh this made my heart hurt...I'm so sorry that happened at the doctor's office Mandy. I wish I couldn't been there to hug you!!! Love you so much...
ReplyDeleteAnd that song it all too perfect for you situation...I can only imagine how much you LONG to "change the fate's designs". But I also know that you know this is Heavenly Father's plan...and your faith in Him, and His timing, inspires me. prayers for you sister...