I am a Sweetheart to One and a Mommy to Four Loveable Babes, one of which is smiling down on us from Heaven. I am learning to dance in the rain. Come with me on my journey as I make the most out of Life's mud puddles.

Put on your rain boots. Great adventure lies ahead.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The End

Today marks The End. The last time that this product will be used in our home. This morning, I used the last bit of Chi Man hair glue on Ashton's hair (a great product, BTW). Why do I mention this? Because this bottle has lasted us about a year and has been the only hair product that I ever used on Ashton and Bennett.

I used to think it didn't have a scent. But in the time I spent with Bennett following his passing, I tried to take in
E V E R Y T H I N G about him. The way he smelled, the softness of his skin, the bristle of his blond spiky hair and the way his long eyelashes feathered on his sweet little face. And in that time, I picked up a scent. At the time, I thought that scent may have come from the embalming fluids that they preserved him with. I had never noticed the scent before. But I didn't really care. I just wanted something to remember him by. And so I held on to that scent and labeled it Bennett.

After family and friends returned to their lives after the funeral and burial, the day-to-day to do lists fell back on us. It was then - when doing Ashton's hair - that I realized the scent wasn't his. It came from another source. It came from the Chi Man hair glue.

So for nearly 4 months, I have re experienced that scent every. single. day. When I lather the hair glue on my hands and apply it to sweet Ashton's hair, my mind takes me back to some of the most tender moments of my life. To the moment that we found Bennett, to the 4 excruciating yet sweet hours we spent with him before they had to take him away and to the times we were able to hold, caress, dress and cuddle him following his autopsy and before his burial. It was all so bittersweet. While we couldn't believe that this had really happened and that he was really gone, holding his body and loving on him made us all feel better. He was with us. We knew it. And - for that time - we were together once more.

So today marks the end of an era. I don't think I will buy that product again. It holds too many emotional triggers. But whenever I see the product, I will always think of the precious memories of little Bennett sitting on counter, looking at his reflection in the mirror, giggling as I styled his fabulous hair.

What a precious, precious memory. We love you, Benny Boy.


  1. I found your blog through Design Mom a while back. I just want to give you a huge hug. I am always so reluctant to leave comment. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing. I have a son who turned 2 last Sunday. I do my best to cherish every moment with him. Your blog has made me do so even more. Life is so precious. I lay here holding my sleeping boy with tears running down my face ad i read this entry, it makes me hold him closer and tighter. Huge hugs to you from me.

  2. I sent you something! (via email)

  3. Always wondered how you got your boys' hair looking so good...Hope your day has been better today!
    Love Jenny B.

  4. Made my heart ache. I so understand how smells and sounds can trigger memories. I also understand how much that can hurt. You might want to ask at a salon what they would recommend that works just as well and smells really different. Hugs to you today and everyday.


Thank you for being a part of my journey. I appreciate your supportive and healing comments. Here's to a Promise of Sunshine!