The End

Today marks The End. The last time that this product will be used in our home. This morning, I used the last bit of Chi Man hair glue on Ashton's hair (a great product, BTW). Why do I mention this? Because this bottle has lasted us about a year and has been the only hair product that I ever used on Ashton and Bennett.

I used to think it didn't have a scent. But in the time I spent with Bennett following his passing, I tried to take in

E V E R Y T H I N G about him. The way he smelled, the softness of his skin, the bristle of his blond spiky hair and the way his long eyelashes feathered on his sweet little face. And in that time, I picked up a scent. At the time, I thought that scent may have come from the embalming fluids that they preserved him with. I had never noticed the scent before. But I didn't really care. I just wanted something to remember him by. And so I held on to that scent and labeled it Bennett.

After family and friends returned to their lives after the funeral and burial, the day-to-day to do lists fell back on us. It was then - when doing Ashton's hair - that I realized the scent wasn't his. It came from another source. It came from the Chi Man hair glue.

So for nearly 4 months, I have re experienced that scent every. single. day. When I lather the hair glue on my hands and apply it to sweet Ashton's hair, my mind takes me back to some of the most tender moments of my life. To the moment that we found Bennett, to the 4 excruciating yet sweet hours we spent with him before they had to take him away and to the times we were able to hold, caress, dress and cuddle him following his autopsy and before his burial. It was all so bittersweet. While we couldn't believe that this had really happened and that he was really gone, holding his body and loving on him made us all feel better. He was with us. We knew it. And - for that time - we were together once more.

So today marks the end of an era. I don't think I will buy that product again. It holds too many emotional triggers. But whenever I see the product, I will always think of the precious memories of little Bennett sitting on counter, looking at his reflection in the mirror, giggling as I styled his fabulous hair.

What a precious, precious memory. We love you, Benny Boy.