I am a Sweetheart to One and a Mommy to Four Loveable Babes, one of which is smiling down on us from Heaven. I am learning to dance in the rain. Come with me on my journey as I make the most out of Life's mud puddles.

Put on your rain boots. Great adventure lies ahead.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Of People, Pinwheels and Promises

I am feeling sad today. Maybe tomorrow I will write of the Peace, Joy and Comfort we felt on our first Christmas without Bennett. But today, I just feel sad.

And that's okay.

This afternoon, after leaving a family activity early with a melting down Ashton, I buckled my boy in and just drove. My car (that is in great need of a post-holiday detail) drove all over the city. Passed our framed new home, through our new neighborhood, passed the home that we shared with Bennett and on to his grave. It seemed that my car knew the direction that it needed to go. I just sat behind the wheel and took it in.

The tour concluded as we pulled into the hollowed ground of the cemetery. As I pulled to a stop near the curb, bright colors that contrasted against the black granite of Bennett's memorial caught my eye. I parked the car and walked over to his grave. Sprinkled around My Boy's memorial was a handful of handmade pinwheels. A note was left from a dear friend and her family sharing that they had come on Christmas Eve to remember our sweet son who reminded them of the precious Christ Child. I fell to my knees on the wet grass, bowed my head and just wept.

I wept for sweet friends, both near and abroad. I wept at their sacrifice, charity and thoughtfulness to share such a tender evening remembering our Angel and our family. I wept for the son that I'd prefer to be chasing around the house instead of memorializing in granite. And I wept out of gratitude for that Precious Mother and her tiny Babe.

And then I wept for the Pinwheels.

Pinwheels? you might ask. Why pinwheels?

Well, there is a story there.

A few months after Bennett's death, I realized that I needed to do something healing with Bennett's clothes. It was just too excruciating to see them laying unused in his drawers and Rubbermaid bins. I didn't want to give them away and see them on another child. I didn't want to store them in the closet. And I didn't know if I'd want to have a future sibling wear them. I wanted to find a way to turn them into something that symbolized comfort, love and healing.

And so we decided to make a blanket.

Better said, two dear friends volunteered to make Bennett Blankets FOR us.

One of our sweet friends - a gifted quilter herself - asked what we wanted her to create. I shared with her the image of a Pinwheel Quilt that another Angel Mother had shared with me. It seemed perfect. Cheery, Hopeful, Child-like and packed with meaning. Some have asked if I still think of Bennett every day. "Only on the days that I breathe," I respond. And so this pinwheel represents the movement of my lungs. Whether that movement takes me forward or backward is up to me. But there WILL BE movement, nonetheless.

So pinwheels have come to symbolize our journey. The Joy, Faith, Hope and Movement. Some days it may be 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. But every day we move. Because we must.

Did this sweet friend know of our Precious Pinwheels? Who knows? But I know One who did. And that simple gift was such a tender mercy to me. A reminder that I am not alone. That in moments good and growing, I have One that is watching over me, weeping alongside me and - if needed - carrying me through these harrowing moments. What will the future hold? I know not. But I know where I will be. Moving forward. Will there be fear? Yes. Will there be adjustment? Yes. Will there be loss? Surely. But I'm not doing it alone. That, He has promised. And a Tender Father in Heaven will put in my path all that I need to succeed. Be it Precious People or Pinwheels.

That is His Promise.

And I'll hold Him to it.


  1. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

  2. Not quite two years since my life changed forever, and I still couldn't even count the number of times per day I think of my girls. We will never forget, and even if someday we find that we have "healed," we will always remember, every day. So glad you and Bennett received the thoughtful gift of pinwheels this year.

  3. You know Amanda we barely know each other, but I found myself thinking of you more than once on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Thinking of you blessed my life as I was reminded to have patience and ENJOY the blessing of having chaos on Christmas morning. May the Lord continue to buoy you up through your journey. God bless...xxx

  4. What a beautiful thing for your friends to do for you. I'm so sorry that you had to experience this first Christmas without Bennett, my heart breaks for you.

  5. What a sweet gesture...I have thought of you often these past days and have been praying for you and your family! Hope you continue to feel peace and experience tender mercies as you navigate these difficult holidays! We love you!
    Love Jenny B.

  6. Oh Mandy, we were sad when Gracie told us you & Ashton had to leave the theater...but I'm so glad that you were able to visit Bennett's grave and see that sweet display of pinwheels! What an amazing gift from someone...and a tender reminder of Heavenly Father knowing your needs and reminding you He's always thinking of you and your family. I would still love to see that lovely quilt :) Hugs to you Mand!

  7. I finally can comment on blogs again. This is Kira in your ward.
    I'm sorry you had a rough day. That is so sweet about the pinwheels though, God is for sure watching over you and your sweet family.
    It looks like your house is going up fast, I hope you guys can move in soon!

  8. im in tears again. what a sweet message of love.


Thank you for being a part of my journey. I appreciate your supportive and healing comments. Here's to a Promise of Sunshine!