When I was a girl, my mom would put me on her lap, hold my hands and "giddy up" like a pony. While I bounced up and down on her knee, she would chant this phrase to the rhythm of the clopping:
Smoooooothe Road, Smoooooothe Road,
Bumpy Road, Bumpy Road,
HOOOOOOOLE in the Road! (as she dipped me)
Right now, I feel like I am living this childhood chant. One moment I am doing fine. Healing, even. And then there is a bump. Sometimes expected and sometimes not. And then - right as I am regaining my footing - I get broadsided. And back I am at square one.
This week has been interesting. This afternoon, I retrieved the mail to find a reminder from our Medical Coverage Company reminding me that it was time to immunize Bennett. Ouch. Sucker punch to the stomach. All at once, I missed him all over again.
And then the girls started at their new school this week. I was so excited for them. They were so ready for it. But - after they left, donning their new threads - Ashton and I were left. Alone. Ashton starts preschool in 1.5 weeks and - to tell you the truth - I am not looking forward to it. If I didn't think he needed the socialization so much (Mommy just is not as fun to play with as a fellow child), I would keep him home. But it's the CHILDREN'S needs we're trying to address right now. Not just keeping Mommy in her comfort zone.
Some try to kindly reassure me that it will be so nice to have a few hours a week to myself. I guess that would be true under "normal" circumstances. But mine is not. Seven months ago, I wasn't expecting to have all my kids out of the house - for any period of time - any time soon. I had a little guy. Then not even two. He was my little shadow and would follow me anywhere I went. Whenever Ashton would have a play date with Grandma or play trucks with a friend, Bennett would happily stay with me, never drifting more than a few feet away. I wasn't planning on being alone anytime soon. And - quite frankly - I'm not ready for it.
So my Mom has advised me to hyper plan my "free time." Run errands, work out, have lunch with a friend or peacefully peruse the library. Anything to keep my mind off the emptiness, the "should have beens" or the obvious void in my day.
Do I sound like a broken record? Let's hope tomorrow's a smoothe road . . .
I’m struggling with emptiness too but much further down the road than you are. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and remember all the happy times in my life! We sometimes get so bogged down with life that everything seems to get hard for me!
ReplyDeleteMy advice: take some time to feel sorry for yourself, then find a way to scrape yourself back off the floor and find a place to volunteer while he is away. When my kids were still in elementary school, that was a good time to go help in the other childrens’ classes. Teachers need you!
Love and hugs,
Debbie
I'm still hoping you will come to WJ and break bread with me for a lunch break sometime during the week. I sent an email yesterday to the family email...hopefully you received it! As always I think of and pray for you often. You are SO.LOVED...don't forget it either. :o)
ReplyDeleteLast fall when my 3 oldest went to school and my 4 year old went to pre-school it had only been 1 very hard very short month since our Gabe had left us and your thoughts are exactly what I was thinking. I did have some really hard days when I didn't keep myself busy I'd sit and cry, but for the most part it added a lunch with friends to my weekly schedule and I worked at the school and then my husband is home on Fridays so we started the tradition of an afternoon lunch date. I'm not going to say that it was nice being home alone, because in my mind it just wasn't the way is should've been but once I adjusted to it I learned to be ok with just myself and my thoughts. I also kept myself very very busy on those days my 4 year old was gone. Good Luck!! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteOh Mandy, praying for the smooth road for you. Love you.
ReplyDelete