Coping Mechanisms

As a rule of thumb, I try to be open and honest about our Walk with Grief (and what a walk it has been). And so, I will address aspects that I would not choose to disclose otherwise. Like the ways - healthy or not - that we have coped.

Overall, I believe we have made healthy choices in our Grieving. Though many approached me about taking anti-depressants following Bennett's death, I personally made the choice to walk through this heartache unencumbered. I thought it would be unfair to "numb" myself while the rest of my family walked through very difficult and tender feelings unmedicated. Though not a party, I wanted us all to be on the same page of our grieving. It may not be fun but we are in this together.

(While saying this, I do not judge anyone who has made another choice. Everyone does what is best for them and what is "right" for one may not be "right" for another. We just made the choice that felt best for our family. Period.)

So food has become my drug.

Everything has been a trigger for me. The extreme loss of losing Bennett, the anger and frustration of being investigated for his death, the inexplicable experience of packing up my Boy's belongs that he would never use again in this life, the stress of a kitchen remodel two months following his death in preparation for putting our home on the market and the unbelievable strain of showing a home at a moment's notice when I felt barely functional myself. All this on top of dealing with the deep and open wounds each member of my family is dealing with. This has been the most trying period of my life. Hands down.

While I do not binge, I mindlessly eat, grabbing a handful of this there and taking a bite of something there. And at the end of the day, I can't even remember what I consumed. And so - in five months - I have gained nearly 10 pounds. TEN POUNDS. And ten pounds I couldn't afford to gain.

And so it's time to get my rear in gear. It's time to cut back and rev it up. In our adversity, my Spirit has grown and I am learning so much. Grief has excavated a depth in my soul that I just cannot describe. Only the Lord knows fully what is happening within me. I am more compassionate, understanding and tender than I have ever been. And yet my body is tired and weak.

So it is time for my body to reflect my Spirit. I need the strength mindful and nourishing eating provide. I need to move more and sit less. And I need to sleep more ; something that is really hard to do when dealing with anxiety that is triggered during the night. But He has made me a promise. If I treat my body like a temple, I will be given "wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint."

I will change. I will. And the Lord will help me. Instead of turning to external sources for comfort, I will turn to Him. And He will fill the abyss in my soul that even the best chocolate can't touch.