Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Your Perspective, Please . . .
Tonight I am missing Bennett so very, very much. In my aching, I decided to pull up his obituary. As I read through the words I wrote six months ago, sitting alongside his painfully empty crib, a fresh wave of anguish washed over me. I felt all those overwhelmingly raw sensations all over again.
Here's part of what I read:
On Saturday, January 22, 2011, a Loving Father in Heaven tenderly took home one of His own. Bennett, born May 31, 2009, brought more joy, light and love to the world in a mere 20 months than many experience in a lifetime. It was a privilege to call him our son.
Bennett spread love and laughter wherever he went whether it was smothering his mommy with kisses, falling asleep on his daddy's chest for a nap, calling out to his sisters, Emma and Gracelyn, for morning bath time or playing "cahs" with his best friend and brother, Ashton. He was eager to smile, anxious to love, quick to laugh and ready to forgive. We will smile whenever we remember his obsession with all-things handles and the way his little body shuffled around the kitchen trying to sweep the floor for mommy. He was a gift. Simply a gift.
We will forever cherish the scribbles left on our walls, the handprints placed on our windows and the etching he engraved on our hearts. He was here but a moment but will be ours forever. And with Bennett, forever won't be long enough . . .
We'll love you forever, We'll like you for always Forever and Always Our baby you'll be. No goodbyes, just see-you-laters . . .xoxoxoxo
In reading this, I am reminded why I haven't listened to his funeral recording in awhile. I am reminded why I haven't watched video of him. I am reminded why I don't go through his hope chest on a regular basis.
Because I cannot.
The pain and the loss are still too fresh. My heartache is right at the surface. It doesn't take much for me to melt into a puddle of tears. And things that bring back remembrances of that freshness remind me of the gaping hole in my heart and family. In a moment, I can be transported to a very painful time. A time that - even now - seems like a dream.
For those that have walked the path of Profound Grief, what has been your experience with Time? I know that it - paired with Divine Mercy - can heal if I allow it to do so. But does the passing of time distance you from the pain? Or do you just learn how to better cope with it? I am new on this path so there are still soooooo many questions I do not have the answers to.
So share, friends. Please share. This tired heart needs some perspective.