I am a Sweetheart to One and a Mommy to Four Loveable Babes, one of which is smiling down on us from Heaven. I am learning to dance in the rain. Come with me on my journey as I make the most out of Life's mud puddles.

Put on your rain boots. Great adventure lies ahead.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Straight Up

Have you noticed I haven't been posting as frequently? Well, I feel like I'm currently stuck between a rock and a hard spot. And - since I pride myself on being open and honest on this blog - let me share where I'm at.

I'm already feeling like many expect me to move on. Heck, it's been seven months! Get over it already! ;0) Uh, wrong. I am still experiencing "firsts" around every turn. It's a big adjustment. And a heartbreaking one at that. Sometimes I still can't believe this has happened to us.

And yet, I feel Hope. Our family is optimistic about our future and we laugh and play and cuddle. A lot. It seems that our knowledge of the fragility of life has made us appreciate each other even more. Heaven seems closer because it is. And we feel firmly resolved to do whatever it takes to be with our Sweet Bennett again. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

So I feel torn between these feelings I have. My Grief and Loss are juxtaposed against my Gratitude, Hope, Faith and Joy. And - oft times - I don't know if I have the ability to communicate the feelings of my heart adequately. I want Sunshine Promises to be a place of Faith, Hope, and Light - and yet - Reality. I have never been one to sugarcoat things. But I don't want to be perceived as "dwelling" on our loss either. Is that as clear as mud?

But I won't be what I am not. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be real at all times. I wouldn't write for readers or for comments (though I love both ;0). I would simply try to put into words the state of my heart. Sometimes I feel that has happened while at other times, I have felt that I have fallen abysmally short. But I have kept writing. And I hope the Great Inspiration for this blog gives me props for that.

And so bear with me, friends. I am not prolific. I am just an ordinary person doing a really hard thing. Perhaps you can relate. And I will keep telling our story so that perhaps - maybe years from now - when my remaining babes go through their "hard things", they will be able to read back on the tender thoughts and feelings of their not-so-perfect mother who tried her darnedest to BE and LIVE what she BELIEVED. Even when her heart was breaking. And if - in that moment - what I write is of ANY value to them, I have succeeded.

And so I will keep writing.


  1. I can relate and I do appreciate your honesty. And I still can't comprehend your pain and do not think it's normal to be "over it". I'm still uplifted in your honesty, faith and candor. Do not change your feelings to appease others. They can move on to another blog if that is their choice.

  2. I don't think it is something you 'get over' it is a hard thing you have been asked to go through and by sharing your story you have helped many. Even those of us that haven't suffered your exact trial, your words of reality, hope and faith have helped. I personally would have a harder time believing you were always hopeful, full of happiness moving on - those doses of reality are what make you human. It's hard, it always will be, you will miss him and ache for him until you again hold him in your arms. I am thankful you are sharing your journey and have benefited by your words of wisdom!! Love you!

  3. Please keep writing...we love you for who you are and the tender gift you share with us!

  4. This blog is and will be such a treasure for you and your family. Probably for several generations. Besides that, your faith and honesty is blessing the lives of so many other people as well.
    The measurements of man like,"7 months - it's time to let go," have little importance when it comes to matters of the heart, and matters of the gospel. Those are the important things you should be paying attention to, and if you ask me, you are doing an exceptional job at that.

  5. I don't think any of us who read your blog or know you and love you ever expect you to be over your loss. We love you and respect your journey, reality and all. We are all going through our hard things and your words are inspiration to all of us. I know that your words buoy me up and reassure me that I can get through things no matter how hard. This is what I get from your sweet, honest posts every time I read them. I love you girl!!!

  6. I think it is important to remember that you can't just "get over" a loss. Even though you are a forever family, you still miss him, you still wish you could see him, you still sometimes want to hold him. That is totally normal and totally ok! Don't let anyone tell you how you "should" be doing. Everything you are doing is enough. You are enough, just as you are. You are doing one of the hardest things that any of us are asked to do. It is not an easy road, but I promise that He is walking it with you and will bless you on your journey. Love hearing from you, no matter how you are feeling during the day. It is the effort and the journey that make it all worthwhile.

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  8. Love you Amanda! So grateful for who you are, what you write, and what you hope for. I have always been so grateful that you are real... I find that, your realness, one of your strengths and part of your beauty. In your rawest moments I still find myself amazed at you and so inspired to become more like you.
    As for me... never feel like you have to "get over it". Be real for the rest of your life... because your sweet little man is THAT amazing and worth living your every breath in and out for! I know your heart longs for your reunion and your every step testifies of the reality of the resurrection and your sweet reunion to come. Take as long as it takes and be as real as you need to be or want to be... we love you, we pray for you, we believe in your inner strength and your ability to fresh courage take even if only line upon line and step by step. Thanks for who you are because you EVER radiate divinity, even if you feel normal! Beloved are you and Beloved is every member of your darling family. May Divine power be near ... because I know I am calling down the powers of heaven in your behalf and in behalf of all your family and friends who ache with you. May my voice in prayer be one of many who plead for you! Love ya! Love ya! Love ya times a million.

  9. A friend of mine is here visiting in the city, and 8 years ago her brother was killed in an accident. We talked about how her family has dealt with things over the years - they as well, have never gotten over losing him and miss him dearly. With time they grieve differently --- you'll find over time you do as well....that comes, but at no rush to you or your family and to speed it up because others might think you should move in would not help anyone or anything. My dad noticed as he helped families with the funerals and afterwards that the first year is especially the hardest --- the missed holidays, milestones and the constant reminders. You are still in the first year - and so your pain is to much more frequent I would think. Again, I know that your family will never let the memory of Bennett and his sweet life subside, yet over time it will be different how you remember, grieve and celebrate his life. And that my dear is up to you and your family & how you write this new chapter in your life. Take the time needed to figure it out - cry when you need, laugh and cuddle those around you....but never feel that you need to move into that point of not remembering who you or your son is!

    You are loved and treasured from afar. Wish I could have squeezed you in person while I was out - we came home a bit early, but next time I am out, I need my Amanda fix!

  10. The part up above should read '...your pain is much more frequent, I would think' --- the to is a typo, sorry!

  11. I cannot imagine ANY parent expecting you to ever be OVER this especially only 7 months out. I hope people are not making you feel that way.
    i love the honestly. I want to really and truly know the ups and downs. even if it seem like their are seasons with more downs.
    its your journal. no need to sugarcoat.
    i love you cousin.

  12. There is no "getting over" the loss of a sweet, precious child, there is only moving forward.I for one thing you are doing an amazing job of balancing joys with your children, recognizing the blessings you have, while grieving. That is such a hard job.
    Something I read once that stuck with me was that being strong isn't about never falling to your knees, it is having the strength to stand back up and keep moving! You are doing just that. Bennett, I know, is so proud of how you are still finding joy, while missing him terribly and so are many others.
    Don't feel you have to ever get over this loss, there is no such thing, there is only finding a new normal and knowing you will see him again.
    Thank you for your honesty and openness and sharing your sweet Bennett Boy with 'us'. Hugs, Em

  13. Your optimistic realism is just what this world needs! You have a great balance of keeping it honest, but with rays of hope. Please keep writing! You are touching countless...Still praying for you and your sweet family!!
    Love Jenny B.

  14. Reading your blog tonight was like reading my own thoughts, only I couldn't have said them quite as well as you have. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for being real. You are on emotional roller-coaster, with many up's and down's along the way, sadly I don't know when the ride ever ends. May God bless you and your family as you continue to grieve for your little angel.

  15. Thank you for your thoughts and honesty! We are newer on this road of grieving a child, and I appreciate your perspective. I understand exactly where you are coming from and it gives me hope to see your strength.

  16. The phrase 'get over it already' really gripped me. I felt the same way when our loss was new. Like people had moved on and forgotten and expected me to do the same. It's been 6 years now, and although I am better able to mask the pain and function without constantly aching, it's always there.
    I actually heard my mother-in-law use the term 'get over it' when speaking of her sister-in-law's constant sobbing over the loss of her adult daught. It had only been 7 months since she was swept off the rocks in Kawaii and drowned. I was shocked by my MIL's comments. She even talked about how she was sick of listening to her go on and on about it!
    Well, that was a rude awakening for me. Did everyone feel the same way about me and my loss? I didn't know how to react.
    Well, now I know...you grieve in your own way and don't worry about others...period.
    I think that you are doing a wonderful job remembering your little one and adapting to the new life you have before you. Keep your chin up. You will survive this. Don't worry about others, because until a person has experienced this loss first hand, they can never comprehend the sense of feeling that is awakened within.
    Lots of hugs!
    love, lisa

  17. You take as much time as you need....this is something you will never "get over"....as mother's of children who have died we learen how to accept and cope but it is never something we can just get over. I know how you feel...I lost my son almost a year ago....As time passes and now that I am able to cope better from moment to moment...that is when you can tell healing is taking place but I know the feeling of still having the hole in my heart and feeling incomplete....I don't think that will ever go away....not to mean I will not enjoy life and make many more amazing memories with family and friends but there will always be a missing piece for me. Everything you wrote in this entry rings with me! You take your time....there is no rush...whatever you are feeling is so normal...people who have not been through our type of loss have a harder time understanding this grieving process. You take your time and please keep blogging....it is so helpful for me and I know so many others out there. You are amazing!


Thank you for being a part of my journey. I appreciate your supportive and healing comments. Here's to a Promise of Sunshine!