Angel Lullaby

Like many, our family has developed a night time ritual. After family prayer, David typically reads to the girls (they are finishing the "Chronicles of Narnia" series) and tucks them in bed while I take care of the boys bedtime routine. Most of the time, that involves a story or two (mostly of the car variety) while cuddling. It also ALWAYS involves a song. For Bennett, it was "His Song" and with Ashton, it typically was "The Wheels On The Bus" (not the song that I would choose but - hey - it should be HIS choice, right?).

After Bennett's passing, our family was reeling with the consequences of our "new reality". Though all of my child are grieving differently, Ashton has had the most difficult time. I think that is partly due to his age (3), the fact that he and Bennett spent every moment of their lives together and that they are only 16 months apart. He doesn't know what life is like WITHOUT his brother. Thus the dramatic adjustment.

Immediately following Bennett's passing, Ashton would not enter their room. Not to play, not to nap, not to sleep. After a few weeks of having him sleep with David and I, we knew that this could not continue. NO ONE was getting any rest!!! So out with the old, in with the new. As the crib and toddler bed came down, a new twin bed went up. As the heavy navy comforters were packed away, fresh tailored bedding was introduced. And as Bennett's clothes were put in storage bins and his favorite things were lovingly laid in a hope chest, the car table was moved into the room for Ashton's entertainment. Though difficult, it was therapeutic for all to give the room a fresh new look. It helps us remember the good memories and forget the more traumatic ones. That's a blessing.

As we started creating our new routine, we wanted to balance old traditions with new ones that would include Bennett in a new way in our family. Here's what we came up with:

• We still call our family to prayer with the song that would bring Bennett running and dancing to the ottoman. And - I am glad to say - we often remember his dances with smooth moves of our own. Smiling and laughing is always a good thing.


• After we say our family prayer in the morning and evening, we immediately follow our "Amen" with blowing a kiss to Heaven, a token of our love for Bennett. And I believe he catches every one.


• We also have continued to follow our family prayer with our family cheer, something that Bennett looked forward to every day. He loved feeling like part of "the team."

As time passed and Ashton got used to his "new room", we started creating a new bedtime routine, as well. I started singing him a song that has become his favorite while cuddling in bed at night. It is fittingly entitled "Angel Lullaby" (click title to hear song):

You came from a land where all is light
to a world half day and a world half night.
To guide you by day, you have my love,
To guard you by night, your friends above.

(Chorus)
So sleep, sleep, till the darkness ends,
guarded by your [Bennett Friend].
So sleep, sleep, till the darkness ends,
guarded by your [Bennett Friend].

There's one stands softly by your bed
and another sits close with a hand on your head.
There's one at the window watching for the dawn,
and one waits to wake you when the night is gone.

Every night when I sing this lullaby to Ashton, he looks around the room and up at the ceiling. I pray he is able to feel the presence of his little buddy and that - at that tender time - he is able to feel a special outpouring of our Heavenly Father's Love. While Bennett is not with us for a time, he will be part of our family unit forever. And just because we cannot see him does not mean that he is still not actively involved in our family's events and activities. Is it the same as having him here? No way. But is this new arrangement part of Heavenly Father's plan for our family? We believe so. And as we cling to those beliefs and rely on a Loving Father who IS aware of us and blesses us with His Love and Mercy every day, we find the Hope, Strength and Faith to move forward. It doesn't get better than that.

And so tonight, I'll hold the little boy I have on Earth and sing him our "new song", praying that his brother is somehow able to listen in on this Mommy's lullaby. And that - for at least a few moments - it will be like he's in my arms again.

Good Night, my Angel Boy. Good night.