Thursday, March 31, 2011
While I want this blog to be a place of Hope and Joy, I also want it to be an honest account of our journey. There are good days and there are hard days. And lately I've been having more hard days.
Now over two months since Bennett's death, I am in the heighth of the storm. With every passing day, I am becoming more aware how final this is. Not final as in forever - I know I'll see Bennett again someday - but final as in this is not going to change for the rest of my life. And sometimes that reality is so heavy and heartbreaking that it completely overtakes me. The last few nights, I've sat in bed, looking at pictures of Bennett and just weeping. Weeping. I just didn't get enough. Enough of anything, really. Enough kisses on his yummy neck, enough strokes on his velvety soft skin, enough smells of his sweet heavenly breath, enough of hearing him say my name and singing his tender "Bennett Song" and enough memories made to last a lifetime. My lifetime. And right now, that seems like f o r e v e r.
This sucks. It really does. And if anyone tells you different, they are in denial, lying, selling something or have never been there. It's that simple.
So today, I'll allow myself to stay in bed and take advantage of our Netflix subscription for my 3 year old. Up (the movie)? Bring it on. Popcorn? Serve it up. And lots of kleenex? Right on hand.
And tomorrow will be a better day. 'Cause storms don't last forever.