While I want this blog to be a place of Hope and Joy, I also want it to be an honest account of our journey. There are good days and there are hard days. And lately I've been having more hard days.Now over two months since Bennett's death, I am in the heighth of the storm. With every passing day, I am becoming more aware how final this is. Not final as in forever - I know I'll see Bennett again someday - but final as in this is not going to change for the rest of my life. And sometimes that reality is so heavy and heartbreaking that it completely overtakes me. The last few nights, I've sat in bed, looking at pictures of Bennett and just weeping. Weeping. I just didn't get enough. Enough of anything, really. Enough kisses on his yummy neck, enough strokes on his velvety soft skin, enough smells of his sweet heavenly breath, enough of hearing him say my name and singing his tender "Bennett Song" and enough memories made to last a lifetime. My lifetime. And right now, that seems like f o r e v e r.
This sucks. It really does. And if anyone tells you different, they are in denial, lying, selling something or have never been there. It's that simple.
So today, I'll allow myself to stay in bed and take advantage of our Netflix subscription for my 3 year old. Up (the movie)? Bring it on. Popcorn? Serve it up. And lots of kleenex? Right on hand.
And tomorrow will be a better day. 'Cause storms don't last forever.
Oh, Amanda! My heart aches and aches for you today. It just isn't fair that life is so hard sometimes. I'm praying for you and your beloved family.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I am so sorry. There is nothing else to say. You are in my heart today. You will be in my prayers. Life is so hard sometimes that you just have to weep. And that is completely ok. So, weep and snuggle and love and know that your Heavenly Father loves you too!
ReplyDeleteThat picture is so tender, with those baby blue eyes. We are praying and thinking of you everyday. Please let us know if we can do anything. Love you guys!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeletemy name is Brittany and I found your blog a few days ago, I left a comment a while back, but I just wanted to say thank you for being so brave as to write down all of these raw emotions that you are experiencing. We have a 9 month old daughter and when she was just about 2 months old we found out she has a chromosomal disorder and a heart defect. They told us she may not walk, talk, or live into adulthood. Her condition is considered to have severe mental delays. I can't really imagine everything you are going through, but I do know what it is like to have that feeling of "this is the rest of our life". I thought those exact things and I remember asking my husband if he thinks we will ever be happy again. There has been a lot of grieving over the past few months and I am still working through my own heartache and sadness and I am definitely having my faith tested at this time, but it helps so find people like you, so I hope you will think of me as a blogging friend and that you will visit my blog. One of the reasons I decided to blog more about our experience was to have a sense of reaching out and being apart of a support group. Thanks again for doing this, and know that you have already touched and inspired at least one person.
You deserve a badge of courage! I am amazed at your strength. As a child my little brother died suddenly and instead of speaking up or out my parents closed off. Now as I parent I can understand more of why they did that, there are no text books for grieving and breaking apart. Unfortunately because of their reaction we became afraid of even mentioning my brother's name and now, 17 years later, we never talk about him. Sharing your story will not only be a blessing to you and all your readers, but to your children as well. It wont take away the hurt, but it will teach them it is okay to hurt and you can all do it together. I am so sorry for your loss. It is tremendous. Thank you for sharing your journey.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a huge hug. And maybe some chocolate--because for a brief 5 seconds that makes life heavenly. You will see him again, and I am sure there is comfort in that, but your heart has every right to ache. And really Amanda, that is perfectly okay and don't ever tell yourself otherwise.
ReplyDelete:( Praying for you and your family. *Hugs!*
ReplyDeleteI have never lost a child, but have had 4 miscarriages. I am not saying it's the same, but I grieved every one of those losses, and I always tell people who are going through it that they need to do whatever they feel will make them feel better. So you do what you need to do for as long as it takes. And don't let anyone tell you it's time to move on. No one knows what you need but yourself. Take care, and hang in there.
ReplyDeleteYou do whatever gets you through. Somedays are good and some just aren't. I went from having 2 children at home, to losing one, and the other going to preschool. I was alone in the house, and it was not good. I found going for a walk was just what I needed. I walked to the cemetary, and was comforted. As I walked to the cemetary, I saw a very old headstone. On this headstone it read, "She died in hopes of a beautiful ever after" I loved that, because it made me focus on what that would be, rather than the pain I was feeling at the time. It is hard no matter how you look at it!!!
ReplyDeletemy heart hurts for you. I've often thought what I would do if I lost a child. I've thought that the initial pain would be searing, but I would probably be upheld by the eternal perspective, but it is all the mortal stuff that I would miss so much. Sure eternity is nice and real, but cub scouts? birthday parties? missions? Those things are awesome too, so you are right--this does stink. Mortality has its precious moments and it makes perfect sense to weep over losing them. God lives. God loves. And God lets us cry.
ReplyDeleteYou dear lady--how I wish I could pick up your burden for a day for you...Glad you are letting yourself grieve...Every day, thoughts of you and your sweet blog inspire me to more patience, an extra snuggle, and trying to be a better wife and mother. Thanks for that.
ReplyDeleteLove Jenny
Bring on the tears and Kleenex.
ReplyDeleteFeelings aren't permanent and that is the bittersweet of them all.
I heard it said that tears are emotions turned liquid.
Sending my love.
My heart aches for you! I too wish that I could make this go away for you! You truly are an inspiration to me. Your blog makes me what to appreciate every moment I have with my loved ones! Good or bad. You are so brave and I continue to pray for you and your beautiful family. Bennett's picture is so sweet!
ReplyDeleteHugs! I cannot even imagine! I know I would be a mess on a regular basis! You are amazing and I think even more so for sharing real feelings and thoughts. You inspire so many especially by letting them know that you are slogging through the mud and still having faith and hope. Love to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHi Mandy, hopefully you remember me, I'm a cousin of the Sharm and Laura Smoot family, on the Bradford side (Natalie's daughter).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, Synthia mentioned your blog on hers, so here I am, reading your story. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I so appreciate you sharing this journey that you're on. Thank you for honesty, bravery, and your sweet testimony. It has lifted me up as I've read over the last few days. Sending many thoughts and prayers your way.
Lots of love,
Jenny McKasson
Wish I was closer to come over and eat popcorn with you!!!
ReplyDeleteBennett looks sooo much like your husband-every time I see a picture it solidifies that thought.
BTW- the angel lullaby song...has a very tender spot in my heart and now even more so. In the MTC when lights went out and the life you had just left sometimes creeped in, and the reality of communcation with loved ones gone--Sister Hardy and I would have Sister Harvey sing that song over and over to us, until we would fall asleep. It is a comfort to me and I need to pass it on to my children. You have always been so good about routines and things like that!
I still can't believe how much Benny boy looks like David. Many hugs and prayers Amanda and Davebro. Thinking of you all. Loves.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a great writer! You do such an amazing job of writing. I found your blog from the angel blog. Our little boy passed away about a month before yours in the same circumstances. Still no cause. I love reading your blog, because it is so close to how I feel, but your are able to express it so perfectly. Thank you. It hurts so bad. Much love to your family. I wish I could just give you a hug! Thank you for your blog.
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