I am a Sweetheart to One and a Mommy to Four Loveable Babes, one of which is smiling down on us from Heaven. I am learning to dance in the rain. Come with me on my journey as I make the most out of Life's mud puddles.

Put on your rain boots. Great adventure lies ahead.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Defying Gravity

It's interesting how the Lord tenderly prepares you for tragedy in your life. Of course, this you only see in hindsight.

After publishing a few articles on the Power of Moms website last fall, I heard about their Learning Circles. After doing a bit of research, I thought it would be fabulous to start a group in my area. I started gathering a list of women I thought would be interested in reading and discussing an article a month on how to be better Women and Mothers. As I began compiling the list, I was amazed how guided I felt. I would add a name or two and would feel uneasy and than after mixing it up a bit, I felt peace. I wasn't expecting this. This was a discussion group, for goodness sakes! And yet, when the list was finalized, I was not surprised to find that nearly every one of them was not only interested but ecstatic! Some even considered it an answer to prayer. What a win/win.

So January came. We decided to meet for the first time Tuesday, January 18th. The article for the month - "Defying Gravity." Everyone came at 7 for appetizers/dessert and talking time and then we moved onto the article discussion at about 7:45. I was happily surprised how well everyone mixed and mingled. Like they had always been friends. God's hand was in this Learning Circle. I knew it.

By the time we got to the article discussion, friendships were budding and trust was building and so others felt comfortable sharing their "gravity defying" life experiences. The discussion was incredible. It lifted my soul and encouraged me to step outside my box, dream big, believe in God and myself and soar. We all committed to having a gravity defying experience in the next month that we would report on in February. We left stoked and ready to take on ANY challenge that came our way. We. Were. Invincible.

Friday night, three days later, I put my Bennett to bed after having a Family Game Night. We walked up the stairs cuddling as we sang his "Bennett Song" (sung to the tune "The Farmer in the Dell").

I love you, Bennett Boy
You are my Pride and Joy
I love you, Little Bennett
I love my Bennett Boy!

That week, he had just started singing the last word of each phrase with me (Boy, Joy, Boy). He was so proud of himself.

After laying him down on his little boppy, smothering him with kisses and pulling up his blanket to his chin, he rested his sweet, small hands atop the fuzzy blankie. Then - as always - he waved his little hand while saying"nigh nigh. nigh nigh." This continued as he visually followed me out of the room and even after I closed the door in the hallway. His little voice warmed my heart and I remember thinking that Heaven must be like this moment.

The next morning we learned that Bennett had peacefully passed away during the night in his sleep.

That Saturday, I experienced the most gravity inducing moment of my life. It felt as if my entire world was crashing down on me. I couldn't believe this was happening to us. Not Bennett! Not OUR baby! How could I live with this pain I was feeling? How could I breathe? How was I to tell his remaining three siblings that Bennett wouldn't be coming back? I didn't know you could hurt this much and still be alive.

And yet, I was. And now, I am.

I have learned much about Defying Gravity the last 8 weeks. I have learned that Defying Gravity can mean something different each day. Sometimes that means getting out of bed and taking a shower. Other days, it may be picking out a headstone for your child. On better days, it may be having a good cry with a friend over lunch or laughing with your sister until your sides hurt. And - most often - it probably is playing cars with my 3 year old, since he lost his best friend and playmate. To do lists fall by the wayside. Projects become secondary. And mealtimes may consist of cold cereal and fruit (for those who don't know me, I am a foodie that typically LOVES experimenting in the kitchen but that is currently on the backburner). But that's okay. Our reality has been redefined and everyday is full of "firsts." And so - for a time - Life may have to wait while we. just. breathe.

Last friday evening, I had a full circle moment. Heather - one of my dearest friends and a member of our Learning Circle - was in a Broadway concert at a nearby concert hall. After our January challenge, she decided to do something that was hard for her. One of those things was trying out for a solo with the performing group she is a part of. A few weeks ago, she learned that she was given the "Defying Gravity" solo. How ironic is that? So Friday evening, I went with my sister to watch my friend experience her own "Defying Gravity" moment. It. Was. Magical.

Today, I'm going to have another Defying Gravity moment. I'm taking my 3 year old on a full grocery shopping trip for the first time since Bennett's death. And we are going to choose the grocery cart with the 2-kid car on the front. We haven't used that cart in more than 8 weeks but we are going to use it today. Yes, I will notice that it is 1/2 empty and Yes, it will bring back tender memories of the last time I went grocery shopping with my two boys. But we are doing it. We are doing it. And in doing hard things, I am becoming stronger and stronger every day. I will never "get over" Bennett. You never outgrow your love or need for your children. But we will go forward. We will. And in going forward, we will honor Bennett and our quest to be a "happy eternal family." We WILL laugh. We WILL live. We WILL love. And we WILL do hard things.

And - in doing so - we WILL Defy Gravity.

27 comments:

  1. Mandy,

    Your SIL Haley posted a link to your blog and she is one of my dear friends that I grew up with. I remember reading about Bennett's passing and his funeral on her blog while I was at work and crying my eyes out. You are a strong woman and an inspiration to people like me. I am just starting my own family, expecting my first baby in June. I am terrified, excited, terrified, happy, but mostly terrified. :) Thank you for being willing to share your thoughts and experiences. You make me want to be a better person.

    With love,
    Courtney

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  2. Mandy youa re so amazing. I love this article. Surely you have heard that song.. defying gravity. Right?
    I love reading what you write. You are beyond inspiring.

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  3. Your post always makes me cry :( And your faith is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing this.

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  4. I'm so glad that you are writing again. So very glad. And the learning circle - what a great idea. I shall email you for further details.

    XOXOX

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  5. Oh Amanda-that was so incredibly touching. Thank you for sharing your faith and hope. I always feel inspired from every post I read about your journey. You are defying gravity and the radiance you shine while doing it is absolutely amazing, my friend. I am looking forward to tomorrow night.

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  6. I ache for you. My third would have been 16 this May and I still find there are day where the pain is sharp and deep. There are days you look back on your life before your child left and it feels like you are looking at some other person's life. It feels so surreal. Anyway I'll say a prayer for you, Bennett and the rest of your family(we released ballons to help comfort our then 3 year old who had a hard time and was angry over his brothers death but had difficulty expressing it.)

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  7. I love you Amanda! What an amazing person you are. Tears fall down my cheeks and my heart pleads for you as you defy gravity. May you continue to soar and be lifted on angels wings. Bless sweet Ashton too. So glad you could go hear Heather sing and be lifted and inspired by her. Good songs like that one are always such powerful testimonies and are so inspirational! Glad it was Heather singing it. :)

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  8. This post brought back some very tender memories of the first few months after losing our Gabriel. I know what you're feeling and I'll remember you in my prayers that you have the strength to make it through this impossible trial. I left you a long comment on Angels Among Us. Call anytime if you need someone to talk to who understands.
    Love Amy
    208-251-1362

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  9. I'm so sorry for your loss. I unfortunately understand this loss. Praise the Lord for His continued loving grace and mercy.

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  10. My heart aches every time I read your posts. In my mind I am just sending love love love and love to you. I think about you ALL the time. Take care of yourself. Cereal and fruit is always OK for dinner. These are times we have to strip life down to what is absolutely necessary and reserve all the energy we can!

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  11. Mandy. Your writing is beautiful! THANK YOU for touching me with your words and example. My thoughts turn to you often and prayers are being said for you and your sweet family. Thank you for sharing!

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  12. Love this! Thank you for helping me appreciate all of the sweet everyday moments that I have with my children. They truly are precious. Thanks for helping me see how important my calling as a mother is and for helping inspire me to all of myself into that calling. You're amazing.

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  13. Could you be any more amazing? Your new place of sunshine is absolutely wonderful Mandy... I am inspired and touched by the spirit I feel here when I read your beautiful words. Thank you for the gift of sharing your life with us and making me want to be a better person. I need to get the scoop on the learning circle, I'd love to start something like that here. Love to you and your sweet family!

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  14. Mandy, this was so beautiful. Beautifully written, beautiful thoughts, beautiful message. it is a wonderful thing you are doing with this blog, I love it! I look forward to coming here and being uplifted and inspired. Thank you.
    ~Rachel Clarke (Robbins).

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  15. Dear sweet Mandy, oh how I love you and your words. You are such an inspiration and I think you for writing. I would love to hear more about the learning circle. I would love to start that here. What a wonderful idea.

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  16. Amanda, your strength amazes me. This blog has been so precious to read and tears spill down my cheeks as I share in your pain. We love little Bennett and pray for your family continually. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I would love to do lunch soon. Really soon. I hope you know how much our family loves you, and I hope your healing will continue with each passing day.

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  17. Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey. I know you will touch many hearts.

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  18. Amanda, this is beautiful! Thank you

    Melissa Morris

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  19. The "firsts" are always difficult. But, they do make you a little stronger. And then, when that "first" comes around for a "second" time, you will feel a little more peace in your heart.
    I admire your strength and I wish God's greatest blessings on you and your family.

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  20. Amanda, that was beautiful. I'm so glad to see you writing such a powerful blog.

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  21. I came across your blog earlier this week, and I haven't been able to get you out of my mind since. My only children are 2 1/2 year old twin boys, and what you are experiencing just wrenches my heart. May god bless & guide you through this most difficult time.

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  22. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and painful in a way that will help others as well. I am sure you are being watched over and strengthened.

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  24. You are so inspiring! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are an amazing lady for sure. I have been thinking about you ever since I read your blog. I'm so sorry about your sweet Bennett. Your children are beautiful!

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  25. I am so touched by your story and insight into what it is like to be a grieving parent. We lost our second baby boy in December 2010 to a stillbirth. Nothing ever prepares a parent for the moment they learn that their precious child is gone. We are learning to 'defy gravity' everyday. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  26. I just found your blog and I need to tell you thank you. Thank you for your strength. The song "Defying Gravity" holds a special place in my heart, and I want to thank you for putting a different meaning and perspective on it for me. I have not experienced the loss of a child but there are trials that seem impossible to overcome that have come my way. Your comments have inspired me and helped me feel the spirit. I can do hard things. I can defy gravity. I pray you have the strength you need to continue each day and find joy amidst the heartache. It's worth the fight.

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Thank you for being a part of my journey. I appreciate your supportive and healing comments. Here's to a Promise of Sunshine!